" Ah...To Sleep, Perchance To Dream..."

” Ah…To Sleep, Perchance To Dream; My Personal Adventure With The Sleeping Medication, Ambien: A Cautionary Tale “

05/09/12

To my very dearest, special friends, and—as always—to my gentle, loyal readers,

Regularly, now, because of my great pain, and subsequent long days of not feeling well, or of Agoraphobia-inspired contravention of practically all my former interests and pursuits that—ordinarily—would involve my leaving home to some necessary destination, or just to visit friends, I nonetheless frequently find myself, at end of day, feeling restless, unsatisfied, but tired and sleepy.

I’m sure all of us have experienced broken nights, full of tossing and turning, or, having to visit the bathroom, get a drink, or have a cigarette, or two; besides that nightly menu of illness, ferocious dreams, or simply lying there, watching as the clock advances time all through the night.

A night that used to be one of easy and restorative sleep is gone, and can no longer be relied upon.  The struggles of the just-past day remain to trouble us, and it would seem that any, little thing can rob us of our sleep,

especially for those for whom a night of solid and unbroken rest would probably help our various ‘conditions’ fully as much as some medications would.

For these are the cold hours; the long and dreary nights when sleep will not descend to convey us to an honest rest.

And so, how many times do we wake, with faces grey as grey the dawn; we know we had the opportunity to sleep, the motivation to sleep, and a comfortable bed, piled—often with soft pillows, sheets that smell of rain-washed sunshine--quilts, blankets, or other coverlets so sublime, that in gratitude, the body sighs, and we settle-down, and try to compose ourselves, free from annoying, left-over thoughts, or thoughts of what we must somehow try to accomplish the next day.

But, my sweet friends, how often have you kept company to an unenviable night, while your sleep-wear becomes itchy, or uncomfortably hot, or feels as though soaked in sweat, as we despoil our covers, knocking our pillows and spreads to the floor--in our discomfort--making  them a mess, or, worse—should it be the case—ruining the repose of someone next to us, particularly if they normally would not have the problems as have we, and…if left alone, would be sound-asleep, and snoring-away like Lords, or Ladies to the Manner born.

No matter their compassion and love for us, we cannot expect them to suffer each night’s vigil as we do, because it is not fair, or else, they may become outdone with us.  “Why can’t you just go to sleep!!?’

And some, who are—perhaps more accustomed to our dilemmas, either endure it like Saints, or grumpily grab their covers to move to a different and more quiet spot. Oh…how we envy them, disgusted in the knowing that the rest of the neighborhood is fast asleep, so why then aren’t we?

“ A brief, mid-point diversion that I hope will either better illustrate my point, or failing that, —at least may provide some mid-entry break” from my—too often—long, and labored exposition.

1)           We frequently had patients who, while in the grips of mania, would not sleep for three of four days at a time, and then, because their bodies somehow caught up with them, on the fourth of fifth day, would collapse, unable to be wakened up.  As you may well guess, such rude and terrible abuse of their bodies, eventually took its toll upon their health and lifespans.

2)           At one time, I also had the rather dubious pleasure of working the night shift with this younger woman, maybe less than twenty years old, who would rather breezily announce to all that (I leave up to you to fill in that, blond, young, too-happy, silly, and much too self –assured voice), “ALL I have to do is just take ONE, Tylenol PM, and I can sleep for twelve hours, straight!”. The rest of the staff looked at her with murder in their eyes, and I swung a too-tired neck that sounded as if needing oiling at her.  At the time, I was probably old-enough to her father’s, older brother.

“ H-r-r-r-u-m-p-h “ is all the disgusted reply I could manage to muster at the time; shit, everyone else I worked with had their own paths to hell in trying, ever, trying to get enough sleep.  Personally, with all my after-shift errands, and necessary things to have to be done, I was always tired, and, many times exhausted, whenever such sleep as I could manage to weasel from a day was never enough.  Yet, on the strength of one, damn Tylenol PM, our ‘walking-talking, Barbie’, could out-sleep the entire shift, and—of course—we hated her for that; if only one Tylenol would work nearly as well, we’d all be up to our asses in the stuff.

Many swore by the effects of ‘Sleepy-Time Tea’, or else took Melatonin; personally—in those long-ago days—I filched my mother’s sleeping pills,’Dalmane’, hoping then to find some sleep. But it made me so ‘wuzzle-headed’, that—at work—I, as did the others, powered-down the coffee, until it upset our stomachs.

While not even ‘three cows’ worth of warm milk—despite the tryptophan--would help; so off we go, on little journeys through the house.  We might stop here or there to make sure all the doors are locked; perhaps we pause upon the threshold of each bedroom, to ‘check’ up on the kids.

In these nightly trips, we often awake, and upset by accident, our loving pets, who seem never to have any problem whatsoever sleeping, and who look at us as though we just flew in from Mars.  For, although they cannot speak, they—too—can resent us in their own ways.

Do you—in your wanderings—pass the laundry room, and briefly contemplate running a load or two of wash? 

How often, in the literal, ‘dead’ of night, have we found ourselves hungry, and prowled-though the refrigerator for that left-over, chicken leg?  Or dragged out the peanut butter and jelly, for a sloppy, after midnight snack?  Or, more simply grabbed a bowl of ice cream, not necessarily because we were hungry (though, in truth, sometimes we are), NONE of us need those extra calories, but more importantly, it briefly occupies our attention, and passes time?

How many of us find ourselves, so tired that our eyes will hardly stay open, as we sit in front of our computers, playing games and games of ‘Solitaire’, or by the screen’s faint blue and unforgiving glow, in playing endless games of ‘Angry Birds’?

Or…to sit out in the living room, knees drawn up upon the sofa, perhaps clutching a sofa cushion to ourselves while watching some pointless infomercial, or stupid movie, with the sound turned down so as to not disturb the house?

And while a day or two of such ragged sleeplessness is enough to make one tired, having such a regular regime will make one exhausted and much ill-disposed to humor.

For I am fully convinced that—without—needed rest, or sleep, our ‘conditions’, and our pains are only more focused-upon, and made all  the more worse; and that ‘we’—perhaps, much more need simple, and uncorrupted sleep to help us feel better.

And so, many of us—myself included—turn to our Providers for medications that will help us sleep, in hopes of sleeping long, and well-enough to rise more or less refreshed, and ready for the coming day.  If they comply, hopefully the sleeping medication ordered will do what its supposed to do, without side-effects, or strangeness, or of feeling ‘loggy-headed and sluggish the next day, or allergic to it.

During the last ten years that I have been disabled, sleep has always been a major problem; even at the very first, Psychiatric Hospital where I was employed, I worked the night shift, which turn one’s awake/asleep patterns upside down.

This, my friends was in 1976, and on the staff—then was a Psychiatrist we all referred to as ‘Dr. Prescription Pad’. In those days, the ‘rules’ were loose or non-existent, so if—for example, a staff member needed anything for ‘sleep’, the kindly Doctor would oblige.

Therefore, then, it was the case that he prescribed for me, 1) Valium (which gave me horrific nightmares); and 2) Placidyl, which I believe may be made by only one, obscure pharmaceutical, now, as it—like so many very strong ‘hypnotics’ (sleeping medications), tend to also depress the respiratory system.  During the time that I took Placidyl, I will have to say that nothing since, has ever knocked me out, and kept me out so completley. This now is funny….looking back, but if I took a Placidyl with water, in the kitchen of my tiny duplex, I hardly had time to race to my bed, and there fall into it, dead asleep; and thus it kept me so for eight of nine hours.

What a miracle! What evanescent joy divine! I slept, not remembering a single thing; no apparent bad dreams; no wandering around in my sleep; regrettably—though—every Eden, must, perforce, come equipped with a serpent.  And so it was with Placidyl.

After about my third month’s refilling, I began to notice that it apparently depressed my respirations so much, that I awoke with a start, and a beginning great inhalation of breath, as if I had had Apnea, or perhaps needed a ‘jump start’; this scared me, so—with regrets, I stopped taking it.

My dearest, caring friends, because of my many different complaints, or conditions that are too often attended by rashers of great pain, or headaches, now my nights are filled to brimming with unquiet sleep, nightmare, and physical discomforts, so much, they often make me dread the night, and of replaying, and replaying, an endless horror show, I turned—desperately—to my Primary for some nostrum that would simply knock me out, and with hope, keep me asleep long-enough to have some energy for the day.

Within the fullness of time, and years, I tried various preparations: some made me barely drowsy; others did not last.  Some tasted unutterably horrible, such that it required an immediate ‘chaser’, to rid myself of the gagging flavor.  Some left me—the next day—feeling as if my head were filled with cotton.

And then, my dearest friends, was Ambien: much touted as a wonder drug, and one relatively free of side-effects.

“O.K.”, said I, “what have we to lose except—perhaps—a sound, night’s sleep without it.”  And so, my kind Provider put me on Ambien CR, 10 mgs. which actually seemed to work; I would take them just before going to bed, and they would make me sleepy, so I could doze off.

The ‘secret’ was—of course—the ‘CR’ affixed to the prescription; in that fashion, in taking a whole pill, it would time-release its effects all through the night.  And, I NEVER had a moments worry with it. I do not recall having any nightmares with it, and I seemed to sleep soundly, without wandering the house.

But then—as so often happens—faceless, nameless morons feel somehow compelled to always try to throw shit into the game, there came a time when on my Medicare part D, Prescription Plan, the Ambien ‘CR’ was dropped from the plan’s formulary, though, regular Ambien 10 mgs. remained.  Confused yet?

What that meant was that instead the medication being ‘control-release’, now one got the full Monty of effects nearly at once, with nothing to slow these effects down, or, make them last. While often, the Ambien 10 mgs, made me sleepy fairly quickly, they did not keep me asleep; and as further aggravation, straight Ambien taken at that dosage level can make you do odd things, such as finding oneself out at the kitchen counter, asleep, and, taking the whole shot can make one unsteady, confused, and irritable.

The worst affects I’ve noticed is the nightmares, and the tendency to roam out to the kitchen at night; and while it is not ‘sleep walking’ in the traditionally accepted notion, I find that it is close-enough; how often have I gotten up earlier than the middle of the night, to leave the front door wide open, lights on throughout the house, the patio doors open for Daisy, or to awake at any time, in an office chair I keep there, lying head on extended arms, after I have swept everything on that part of the counter to the floor: magazines, letters, cups (empty of full), ashtrays full of ashes, to make a mess under me, which—while it happens—I sort of know it—but do nothing about it.

And as I may have mentioned it, before, my dearest friends, I do not live in a neighborhood that encourages me to fall asleep out in the kitchen, while the front door is unlocked, and wide open. How could I possibly make it easier if someone wanted in?

The point of Ambien is to help one fall asleep faster, but not necessarily keep one asleep.  But because too many times, I have awakened in an agony of pain, just a couple minutes, before I actually GO to bed, now, I take:

1)           Ambien (Zolpidum) 10 mgs.

2)           Ciproheptadine HCL 4 mgs (this is an antihistamine that helps me with my sinuses; tends to make one drowsy; and, seems to work well, in conjunction to the Ambien, and with the Klonopin I take much earlier).

3)           Ropinerole (Requip), excellent for the treatment of ‘Restless Leg Syndrome’; although an anti-Parkinson’s drug, has a list of some very severe, potential, side-effects).

4)           Morphine Sulfate 30 mgs, for ‘breakthrough pain’, a term that confuses me; as ne is either in pain, or not in pain, with only the most brief moments of partial relief.

Please note that, where possible, generic forms of the drugs are placed in parentheses.

But, I hope there may be light at the end of the tunnel; my Psych. Nurse recently told me that the generic equivalent of Ambien 10 mgs may soon be available in ‘CR’ form; for me, that would be wonderful if it helped put me to sleep; kept me asleep; and kept me from wandering.

Please always know, my dearest, and most precious friends, and loyal readers, I am NOT a professional; nor am I licensed, and am NOT a Therapist, so that anything that I may share with you is my own experience, and my own opinion.

I am writing this to you, as so many at MDJunction have sleep disorders, and that I’ve read some people have had problems taking Ambien.  I would strongly urge that you bring up these concerns with a professional; on her next visit, I intend to broach my concerns (and hopes) with my Primary. If faulty memory still serves, I think I had fairly good results with Restoril 30 mgs.

I think you might be surprised at how much a regular, untroubled, nightmare, and pain-free night of repose will help restore you.

Besides…who really wants to play ‘Solitaire’ at 3 AM?

Please always know I wish for you days of much-lessened, or of ‘no pain’ or distress; family love and harmony; with genuine and kindly friends who truly love you for who you are; thoughts turning to family outings; picnics, BBQ’s, or trips to the beach; a reemerging desire to enjoy life, AND to have fun!  To find your laugh once more; of balmy, pleasant afternoons free from depression or want; a sense of security; nights of genuine tiredness (NOT exhaustion), and, with a day’s sense of accomplishment, of climbing into a bed that is clean, crisp, and delightfully cool; and gentle sleep that is nightmare-free, and restorative, filled—instead—with wondrous dreams; watched over, and kept safe by blessed angels!

And, always, please remember that I love you dearly!

‘Zahc'/Charles

"A Composition Composed Of Vague Musings..."

“ A Composition Composed Of Vague Musings, Errant Utterances…And My Most Sincere Apologies To Those On S.S.I., or S.S.D.I., And All Who Must Try To Survive On Deficient Incomes “

05/06/12

My very, very precious friends, and ever-loyal readers, how many times have I devoted much of my diary entry space, whenever I felt some news or information might prove—somehow—useful to you; on so many occasions, it was to help you?  Or with short vignettes and poetry, instead of eternally complaining about my illnesses, or of a compendium of pain, and lack of volition, agoraphobia, nightmare, or dread, because—frankly, my dear and wonderful friends—we ALL have psychological, or physical conditions that are as varied, even as ‘we’ differ from each other; and were I to strictly dwell on that, I would soon become (if I have not—after some 190 entries— already done so), become tedious, and too dreary as to make of it not worth the bother to even read them.

And I could not blame you for becoming disinterested and bored, causing you to cast wide your nets elsewhere, for frankly, I would too, beyond a backwards glance, or sympathetic remark. 

Quite understandably you would run like hell, when the incontestable fact remains that—many to most of my ‘conditions’ cannot be cured, but made more tolerable by taking a boatload of medications, supplements, and vitamins, and still—like some hobbling Narcissus, kneel achingly to espy within that reflecting pool, to see there—not perfection, by any means—but, rather, some dreary doppelgänger of a mind and body, now riddled with agonizing pains, and lines of care, and …age; an image I could scarce believe myself, and yet, there it is, a compendium of pain, and loss, and, sadness.  While knowing it will not improve with time, but worsen little by little, here and there, until that viewed self is no longer me; how can it be?

My diary entries, and your most kind comments and criticisms are what now makes glad my heart. And I have always been amenable to suggestion as to what I may write next, for these entries are for both of us; but I need you much more than you need me.  For without your kind readership, I would never find my ‘Voice’, nor anything even remotely like it.  It is you who give me direction and purpose, and a reason for being.

Since finding MDJunction one again, in time I’ve met so many fascinating, caring, wonderful people, who—in that caring and kindness welcomed, and befriended me.  My gratitude still knows no bounds, and I can never in near-full measure ever thank you enough for accepting me for who I am, in spite of all my flaws and limitations.

And, yes, I often rage over that which reason says I should understand, but that my heart cannot comprehend as real; sometimes it seems some monstrous joke, whose ‘punch line’ inescapably eludes me.

I know a little of what my many medications are supposed to do, but have no comprehension of their action at the base, cellular level. What parts of thought, and mind, and memory are twisted out of all recognition when—for example, the Seroquel I must take (and have for years) is a ‘serotonin, re-uptake inhibitor’, which—with other drugs—play ‘hop scotch’ with the neuro-transmitters I have left; what can the others be doing? 

One would have to be a molecular, biochemist to answer that.  I had to stop taking Lyrica, (used for Fibromyalgia), because it made the edema in my feet and legs swell horribly up to my knees; the Plaquinal my ‘Rheumy’ wanted so badly for me to take, lists complete blindness as one of its potential side effects, and I felt that trade-off just too much to risk.

And that—besides a handful of medical medicines—and a few long term psychotropics, leaves palliative treatment of the Lupus, and the Fibromyalgia by opiate drugs, that only briefly assuage my pain.  Shoot…unless I am mistaken, the Ambien I take at night to sleep, somehow causes me now to lumber out to the kitchen, to fall asleep at the counter, where I did—indeed—awake there, a few mornings ago, before 5 AM, and then spent the majority of the day wanting to take a nap, causing me to be too tired and too disinterested in really doing anything at all.

And so, the day drags by.  But such were the cards that from illness, accident, injury, or plain genetics were dealt to me.   And the ‘odds’ always favor the House.

The second topic I would like to touch upon was—to some degree—motivated by guilt.  I had penned, some time ago, a ‘four-part’ series, on how to manage your money.  And was quite stern with you for your financial situations; and while it was borne out of love and concern, I probably outlined programs that may have been impractical; all I do know, and will—here most readily concede—is that ‘my’ bill day was on Thursday, when my little S.S.D.I. check was direct-deposited into my bank.

I must have, by then, written-out  five or six budgets for the month of May, and frankly, friends, ALL of them sucked.  Sometimes, no matter how very careful one tries to be, on S.S.I., or S.S.D.I., too often there arises the question of, “ Bills or Food? “, and, although I had allotted some little fund from it to purchase food, I’ve had—perforce—to limit that grocery list severely.  Particularly since I often cannot get a neighbor to shop for me; I have no car; and cannot drive, anyway, from the Agoraphobia, and Panics, that to have the store shop for me, and to deliver, costs another $30.00.

I would ask you, dearest friends, as I live alone with dog, Daisy, just about how much food can I get for $70.00?  And, how long will it last me?  Through the month?  Of course it means ‘no meat, and no treats’.  And when that self-imposed limit is affected by the need to purchase toilet paper, or maybe a gallon of whole milk for my coffee, and kibbles for Daisy, even hamburger was too high.  And so was chicken, for that matter.

It has probably—now—been well-over three years since I had steak.  And, lobster has become almost a masturbatory dream.

Not when a trip to ‘Red Lobster’ for four or five necessitates taking out a second mortgage on the house.  And the real killer is that I live in Florida, midway down the west coast, which is a narrow peninsula, surrounded on three side by water which should be (if not fished to extinction!) teeming with lobsters…and crabs.

Neither should citrus cost so very dearly, when oranges are almost everywhere, yet—like strawberries—it all gets shipped abroad, while grocery stores sell oranges from California, and our avocadoes come from Peru, or some like place.

What the lamentable reality is: is that S.S.I., and S.S.D.I are insufficient for one’s needs.  It doesn’t matter if you throw one carefully planned and organized budget at it or a million, shortfalls are bound to occur. And BTW, for those of you who may have been wondering, Medicaid, in its staggeringly inept computation, grudgingly gives me exactly $16.00 a month in Food Stamps.   Fortunately for me, the unused amount rolls over, so that—maybe—once a year, I can use them to buy a load of groceries.  I actually use my E.B.T. card so seldom that I always forget the PIN, and have to have my neighbor telephone Medicaid to retrieve it.

And so, my dear, sweet friends, I shall close for now, to ‘ponder’ the imponderables’ of life.  I ever wish you pain-free days of pure delight; and afternoons of quiet thoughtfulness. I always wish you have enough, and know no want, or need.  And evenings free from care, with friends and loved ones by your side to love and care for you.

I wish you evenings of quiet contemplation, rather than constant worry.  And at night, without rancor or fear, know a gentle tiredness, enough to softly drift to sleep, with lambent dreams no nightmare can ever enter in.  Always attended by blessed angels to watch over you, and keep you safe and well.

Please always know I love you,

‘Zahc’/Charles

"Oh My God, My God, I'm Broke! What Can I Possibly Do?"

“Oh My God, My God, I’m Broke! What CAN I Possibly do? : Things I Hope Will Help You Rest And Feel Better”

05/04/12

I think of you so very often, my dear, sweet, and kind friends, and loyal readers, and I know that too many of us are in such financial straits, that we worry about our money day and night; it only causes our current pain levels to rocket, and any psychological conditions we may have that include anxiety and panic, ‘money worries’ will only make our conditions worse.

I speak to you from stark experience: I am presently on SSDI, which is insufficient to my needs, I have nothing in the bank and yet I have almost maxed-out a major credit card; and still I have routine bills like utilities to pay, and food, medicines, taxes, and vet bills, like everyone else.

And I imagine—much like you—I find that financial worries occupy much of my thinking through the day, and, besides the nightmares, I find I often lie there, wide-awake, wondering what can I do for some grateful peace of mind, and growing sense of financial ‘rightness’.

Right now, pretend that you’re a passenger on some great ocean liner; you’ve fallen overboard, and the alarm has been sounded. By the time the ship has made full turn to about where you were, you may not be there now, and it takes a ship that large some hours to come full circle.  Can you swim, or stay afloat that long?

This example is valid in two ways, one, your illness or condition was an unforeseen, unchosen catastrophe: becoming disabled, and not being able to work; the loss of an established job.  Spending habits that—of a sudden—caused you to realize that you now were in dire distress: a house that may be foreclosed upon.  An illness, or loss of ability; or having—now—to have to survive on very much less money. Such as SSI, or SSDI., or now, one part time job, instead of two full time ones you might have been used to.

Two, because the situation that you now are in did not happen overnight; neither will the journey towards recovery happen overnight.

But is the accumulation of stress and worry worth it, or even good for you?

You can be certain you’re in deep trouble if:

1)           You have—at each month’s end—NO money in the bank.

2)           Your ‘combined’ indebtedness (not counting mortgage or car payments) on ‘store’ or major credit cards is over 30% of your available limit.  It really should be less, so that you ‘zero balance’ out your accounts every month, with no debt left to carry over.

3)           You have trouble making house payments, or car payments.

My situation is not really that different from yours.  I’m single, with dog Daisy, living in a double-wide, mobile home, that while ‘paid for’, still needs repairs, and the kitchen is slowly falling apart.  I’m 58 years old, on oxygen 24/7, and on a boatload of medicine, besides, some of which I pay co-pays for, and a few that are not covered that I have to pay near in full myself.

And though I have NO car, and thus no car insurance, I still must buy groceries, pay utilities, taxes…and a credit card that is a breath-away from being maxed-out, and whose minimum payment eats me alive.  I am disabled, ill, and on SSDI, which is a third of what I once earned.

And while I cannot presume your exact situations, I—too—worry inordinately about money, am broke, with nothing in the bank.  And so, to help assuage my worries as best I can, I have had to institute an ‘Austerity’ program of cutting back, or, frankly doing without, save starving, to bring that giant ocean liner of my finances back, full circle, to whence it started from.

It is not easy.  Nothing is.  Nothing.  Even some measure of peace of mind comes with it a most severe and unforgiving price.  But, my dearest friends, my doing nothing is frankly, driving me nuts with worry, and despair.

And so, should it may prove to be of some help to you, I will not presume to tell you what to do, but rather what I’ve begun to do to save my ass.  And, hopefully watch the tide of suffocating debt turn in my favor.  It is the very least I can do for you, who have so captured and retained my heart.

1)           My SSDI check.  I have arranged direct-deposit for it at my bank, and further have them automatically deduct—at ‘payday’—a small amount to savings.  While I inevitably have to use these ‘savings’, especially near month’s end, to put back into checking, that small amount has often meant the difference between having at least some food in the house, or finding myself in overdraft.

2)           I was able—at long last—to secure a major, ‘cash-back’ credit card, that featured o% a.p.r. for one year. After which the a.p.r. is 18.9% which is high, but then, I had store credit cards at 28.9% a.p.r. that, in addition, levied—each month—a ‘processing fee’ of $15.00, even if you were able to pay the balance off each month in full.  This may not sound like much, but, for those store cards that I had, that $15.00, monthly, comes out to $180.00 a year!  At one time, as I could obtain no major credit card, I carried differing balances on six, store cards that had such unbelievable fees.

You know how I maxed-out my major credit card? First, I transferred to it all my store outstanding balances, which included a 3% balance, transfer fee.  I have my pharmacy bill the card for all my medications; factor in three or four unbridled trips to the grocery store, which was stupid. For if you can at all help it, NEVER use a credit card to grocery shop.  It only implied a ‘limitlessness’ as to what I could buy, and I bought treats, or already-prepared meals, that ran the balance up.  There were two, past-due doctor bills I paid, in addition to a $75.00 co-pay, I was ‘surprised with’ at my Pain Management Doctor.  Its shocking just how quickly a credit card can be ‘ramped up’, until the minimum due each month itself becomes a major bill.

3)           And while I do not have a car, I would still suggest that, barring continued, and expensive repair, to keep the car you have.  Change the oil with synthetic oil every three months, along with the oil filter, and—if necessary—the air filter.  Keep your tires properly inflated. And do not use the most expensive gasoline, when a lesser grade will do.

4)           Since all of you have computers, save yourself gasoline and maintenance costs, by buying everything, except, of course, groceries, by shopping online, or by catalogue, I hope that this will help curb impulse buying.  And, although tax, and shipping are added (though not always), you will have saved extra driving, time spent in stores, and lousy traffic. Hint: whenever I go online to shop, say, for underwear, or a new shirt, I only go to the ‘clearance’ section, and try to couple it with a major discount promo offered there.  When—for example—I needed a Winter coat, I found one in a catalogue, under clearance, already, then at 78% off; this I paired with a discount catalogue promo of 50% for highest item purchased; it did not specify how many items you had to purchase.  Even including tax and shipping, I got a $257.99 coat, for less than $40.00.  Brand new. Full length, and all wool!  And, it was delivered to my front door; I didn’t have to go out to shop at all!

5)           Buy ALL your cleaning supplies, deodorants, shampoo, etc., at the ‘Dollar Store. Recently, my C.N.A. got all those things for me, plus a durable shower curtain, hooks, and a new bath mat, for $11.00 plus tax!

6)           I long-ago stopped buying gourmet treats or colas at the grocery store.  Instead, I buy the cheaper gallons of diet tea, but would save more money by buying the dried powder in cans, and then mixing it with water.  I still can have my morning and evening coffee, but should I have enough left in the pot before I go to bed, I save it to have the next day.  I’m weaning my dear Daisy off canned dog food, to larger, much less expensive bags of dried kibble.  I stay away from prepared foods such as rotisserie chickens, and…sigh, have—for now—eliminated any visits by my neighbor, or C.N.A. to the bakery for ‘sweets’.  I do buy the “Success Rice”, in the family pack, because there’s no way I can screw it up, and lunches sometimes consist of rice, over which has been poured canned soup.  With just a little butter, salt, and pepper, it makes an admirable lunch. I save the plastic grocery bags for garbage cans at home.

And for those of you—like me—who hate clipping coupons, I still look at the sale flyer in the mail, or call my local grocery store for prices on things I need.  For if I cannot get my neighbor or my C.N.A to shop for me, the delivery fee is $30.00, so if I must, at least I have a sizable order to give them, and use my debit card.

I am fortunate that they know me (by voice, and name, anyway) at the grocery store, and, often THEY will shop for the lower price; and should they have a BOGO (buy one, get one free) on an item I want, you can be sure I’ll take advantage of it!

7)           Frankly, no one sees my underwear or socks, so if my briefs are a little worn, or should I have a tiny hole in one toe of a sock…who cares?  It’s just a little thing that helps me cut down on costs. I don’t just toss them away, but pad-around the house in them, whenever my little ‘piddies’ get cold.

8)           Although my electric bill isn’t due until the middle of the month, I call the month BEFORE, to find out when my meter will be read; the next day, I can get an estimate of what my bill will be.  I do that with my cable, and my garbage disposal.  All the better to help me budget my next month’s money.

9)           This is important: about ten days before the end of every month, I make a budget for the coming month; of course it will change, and it is not unusual for me to have written five of six ‘tentative budgets’, for while I am doing this, before any new bills are due, I allot what certain sums I know will be true and accurate, along with credit card payments (about which, more later), as I know that on or about every 3^rd of each new month, is when I get a fixed, SSDI check; there is NO other money coming in.  And—where necessary—I can move figures back and forth to fit my income.  This may seem stupid, but it forces me to try to fit all I’ll think I need, within very strict parameters.  I think everyone should take some quiet time, before your bills are due, to prepare yourself; it will also help calm you, from the last-minute income blues.

10)   Since I am on oxygen, I have to have it cool at night; in Florida, that means 74 degrees. THAT makes the meter spin.  So, during the day, when I can tolerate it better, I move the thermostat to 76 or 77 degrees.  You might even be able to set yours on 80, then, cool it down at night. Don’t forget, my oxygen compressor runs 24/7, and drives my electric bill up.  It is—however—one of those things, as you will doubtless have such things you cannot change or lower.

11)   With my major, credit card, I know when my billing cycle ends, and when the bill is due, and what the minimum payment is. And I telephone it about every other day, to keep track of accumulated charges, particularly since I am so very close to the edge (think falling off the ship).  Note: if your bill is due, say, on the 12^th, but your billing cycle is on the 15^th, any payment that you make the ‘day after’ your billing cycle, is automatically applied to the next month’s bill. 

In that manner, I was finally able—by about the 20^th of April, to pay the minimum due for May; thus, I now owe no bill until June, although, since I’m so low, I shall have to make some kind of payments this next month to help lower my balance.  And, should I again be able to make a payment after May’s billing cycle, my bill will be paid until July. Though even if I can over-apply myself, I’m so close to maxing-out that it will take MONTHS before I am at zero balance.  And, mind you, with the store transfers, and the meds, and grocery trips, it only took me four months to max-out the card!

If you happen to be like so many Americans, you may have more than one credit, or store card, whose balances are high.  What to do? One trick that seems to work is something I’d like to call the,

“Square Dance Credit Card Game”.

Let us say that you currently have—for example—five, credit cards, with varying balances, and minimum payments due each month.

First, you will have to list ALL of your credit cards, their current balances, and their minimum payments.  List them in order, from low balance to high.

On that list of five cards, pay the required minimum for now; if possible, on four. For the first card, the one with the lowest balance, pay the minimum, PLUS all the extra you can apply to the balance.  Do this, each month until card # 1 is paid off.

This leaves you with four remaining credit cards to pay off.

Make a new list of all four remaining cards, and on three, continue to pay the minimum; on the second card, pay the minimum, PLUS, anything else you can pay, PLUS, that amount that you paid regularly on the first card, which is now paid off.

This accelerates the payment to credit card # 2, which will be paid off much sooner.

When card # 2 has been paid off, list the three, remaining cards, and their balances.  To card # 3, pay the minimum due, PLUS anything else you can pay, PLUS, the amount you paid on cards # 1 and 2.

As you can see, in this fashion, the balance of credit card # 3, will be paid off quickly.

When card # 3 is paid in full, pay the minimums that had been due on cards # 1 and # 2, and #3, but on card #4; pay all extra that you can, PLUS, former payments on cards 1 and 2 and 3.

When—at last—only one credit card, card #5, remains, pay the minimum, PLUS the minimums you used to pay on cards #1-4, PLUS any extra that you can, PLUS, the monthly payments you made on cards 1-4.

As the lowest credit card balance is paid off, that payment is added, monthly to the next highest, and so on. For some time, this may be painful, as if you are no better off…however…

Provided you can stick with this…and it does take a LOT of willpower, you will find that, in general, your last, and highest-amount card, #5, can be paid off fairly rapidly.

This ‘pay-down’ method requires discipline; don’t re-ramp up the card balances on any of the paid off credit cards, but use them only for emergencies.  Never count any extra as more discretionary income, or you will fail. You will only find yourself with ‘extra’, or extra discretionary income when you have extra in the bank, and can pay for things by cash or check debit.

However, if you can stick to it, instead of feeling dread, and a marked sense of powerlessness over your finances, as each card is paid off, that’s one less cad you have to worry about; that feeling—alone—is very liberating, knowing that YOU, not the credit cards, have taken charge (excuse the pun!).

Of course there will be times when you will have no course BUT to use your credit cards. Do not berate yourself for having to charge things beyond your control, such as household repair, or car repair. Or sudden illnesses.

Don’t cancel any paid off accounts, as that can affect your credit scores; just gather up the paid off cards, tie them up with a rubber band, and then keep them in a safe place.

12)   As much as I truly do love my friends, for now—at least—there can be no gifts, no flowers, no presents, just a card, maybe.

13)   For $1.99, each, I bought four boxes of tasteful-enough, blank inside, note cards by ordering from a catalogue.  I like the design, which is my last initial framed with golden leaves, and in them, I can write any sentiment I want.  Please do the math: a general greeting card, bought in a store costs maybe $4-5.00.  Each box I bought contains twenty cards and envelopes. With shipping, and minimal tax, each card cost me maybe 15 cents.  Besides, a short, hand-written sentiment means more than an over-cute, silly rhyming card.  You’d be surprised how even little savings add up.

14)   Almost every day, I think of ways I can economize; from buying generic medications, to hopefully lowering my electric bill as I am able.

15)   I also try to change the filter on my A/C unit once a month; the last time that I changed it, I was really surprised at how dirty it had gotten, and an inefficient filter makes you’re A/C run harder, using up gulps of electricity.

16)   I’ve had to give up junk food and fast food, even though I LOVE Taco Bell, and KFC, and Burger King. When averaged out, these delicious ‘treats’ cost a fortune, especially when they are used to substitute a regular, sit-down meal.

17)   Washing machines, dryers, and dishwashers. When using dishwashers, or washing machines, run them to reasonable capacity, instead of just for several items at a time.  Please understand your dryer does eat electricity, but when you use it, run a whole load; remove things like shirts as soon as possible to avoid wrinkling.  If you can, line dry clothes if you can as there’s nothing quite like that fresh, ‘out-door’ smell of line-dried clothes.

18)   Excepting for my ‘shower day’, I turn my hot water heater on the night before (so I won’t forget…again…YIKES); as soon as I’m out, I turn the hot water heater off again.

19)   I only turn on as many lights in the house that I will need, and have tried to reduce the wattage from 100 to 60.

20)   Unless someone is going to cook a giant roast for me, or a twenty-five pound turkey, rarely do I use my oven as it uses a lot of electricity; instead, I use my microwave, or, if I must, the stove.

21)    And while I know that this sounds so cheap, if ever I have to break a dollar, I save the change to a large cup I have; when it is full, it goes to the bank to be counted, AND deposited.  You could even make a little game of it; often we end the day with some spare change in our pockets; empty out your pockets every night, and put the loose change into something like a large jar, with a slit cut in the lid.  Make the jar ‘off limits’, or reward yourself with a little piece of candy when you ‘contribute’.  If you can (which, so far I can’t do), is to throw in a dollar or two from time to time, especially if you’ve had occasion to earlier ‘crack’ a twenty.

And, unless you are a profuse ‘sweater’, try—if possible—to get at least two wearings out of a shirt, or blouse, three or four for a pair of trousers, before washing them; most of us sustain a level of hygiene-sufficient to get away with this; of course, underclothing and socks are single-wear items before having to have to launder them.  Similarly, unless otherwise, night, or sleepwear can be washed once a week.  Same for bed linens. And towels; for after all, you’re merely drying yourself of now-clean water.

And, now, while this will win me no brownie points, should you be in deepest doggie-doo, there are some things that—for now—you are going to have to forego completely.

1)           Movies in a theater; it costs a fortune just to huddle in a show box of a theater, to see the ‘latest’ releases. On top of that, a trip to the concession stand can break the bank tout suite.  Have you any idea how much mark-up is the popcorn?  Or the sodas? Or the greasy, cheese-laden nachos?

This also means good-bye for now to Starbucks, and your morning latte.

2)Forget that the word, ‘vacation’ even exists, when a trip for four to Walt-Dismal World can cost a couple thousand dollars, for parking, tickets, food, souvenirs, or hotel stays. Opt—instead—for a two, or three day camping trip; visit a museum. Or a park.

3)Granted I may have been around during the time of the dinosaurs, but I will never understand excessive texting, when simply leaving a message would suffice; should your plan include free texting, its probably time to renegotiate and lower your plan costs.  BTW, should you be disabled, or on SSI, or SSDI, or receive food stamps, you may qualify for a free cell phone, with some texting (at a price), but enough minutes to be useable, and these minutes roll-over.

Although I am now only a month or two in ‘guerilla’ budgeting, already, just that little bit that I was able to add to savings saved my ass in overdraft fees.

And I’m sure that if you take the time, you will be able to come up with your own budgeted list.  Do not think of it as a denying, but, rather as a treatment plan that will promote financial healing; it was either that, or drive myself to have to take another Klonopin to help steady my nerves.

While perhaps many of my suggestions sound loony, or make you begin to think that you’re somehow living in a fifth-world nation, it is, because, for all intents and purposes, you are.

The Economy sucks big-time, and many of us feel as if we’re on upward treadmills, that roll backwards.  There is NO more Middle Class, and I regret to say I feel the situation will not be any better for our children.  The self-indulgent 80’s are an historic irony; yet it is one we tend to cling to. 

How often MUST we have a 72” plasma TeeVee set, and laptops, stereos, surround sound, while we are drowning in our own debt.  Its either become a fighter, or learn Chinese to welcome our new landlords. I’m totally serious.

And while I am not out of the woods by a long shot, I do feel that I’m making needed progress.  So can you!

Please always know I love you dearly!

‘Zahc'/Charles

" Why Do I So Often Fear The Coming Night ? "

“ Why Do I So Often Fear The Coming Night “

(is it because of seeming, endless, horrid nightmare, that in consuming all, would also seek my breath, or, rather that each night is thieve to prior day, to bring me that much closer unto death?)

dedicated to my dear friends, ‘mabri’; ‘DenverCowboy’; ‘1magicman’; to Joan; and, of course to dear, ’Strenuba’

05/02/12

By ‘Zahc’

I

I often wonder, now, why I fear so much the coming night?

Could it be that—in depression, and a hundred, other agonies, I do not want to surrender any—should there have been some--of a day’s calm, and wonderful sight.  

Exhausted, more than sleepy, now, I know I shall awake red-faced, sweated, fearful from nightmares that collectively affright,

and, gasping-know that nightfall signifies one less day, even if those days are pain-filled and unpleasant, marked upon the calendar of my life when—in my long-ago, and dusty youth—so much seemed to delight,

that only now is a nonetheless failed and traduced attempt at memory’s second sight.

II

Or—rather—it is that the house has become too quiet, that I truly know that I am alone,

pausing to utter fractured prayers of a base unreasonableness, to a God I’ve never seen: to atone,

and, in giving—gladly—all my goods and worth I own,

abjure past sins that gather me in coldness now, when the cardboard fortress that is my home is too empty and too quiet, saving for an old dog’s moan,

for she is running to some private, hunting dream, and lost in an old dog’s sleep I cannot find, for me—instead, there IS no comfort known.

III

And why cannot I find some lingering sense of peace, somewhere among the scores of medicines I take, which are pushed and pulled by illness, pain; that offers only brief respite, but really does not abate

the chilling thoughts that horrid dreams will pursue me, to lead ever downward to that great,

and fiery lake; how then can I at last pay Charon’s fare across the Styx?, where a triple-headed, monsterous Cerberus lies in wait

as guardian to a hellish scape of unending torment, or, rather would some dreamless sleep prove to be my fate.

Though I would choose sweet angels to bear up my soul, their rap’tous songs of evanescent joy elate.

IV

To find myself face to face with a kinder, more forgiving Lord,

Who—in made manifest, eternal love—would gather me ‘round with soothing word,

forgiving me for a life-time of slights, both minor and major failures of the soul, however odd.

At least—in dreams—of beauty rare in cleansing, clarifying, changing to some perfect self be heard,

And by that gentle, soft, and reassuring Voice, instead, be stirred!

V

But, once again, I find myself awake—too early—as if beaten by a hundred whips to face the dawn.

And in my collected sorrow know that, still… somehow, life—as such—must go ever forward, and still forward, until such time when life—itself is gone

with naught else to anticipate, save a cup of coffee’s ‘fun house’ reflection of a face so tired and wan

that were not my barren tears used so nearly up, they might fall to some desert patch of sleeping earth to somehow make it less despairing, and in a joyful fruitfulness, respond!

Oh !, could I at last be as unchained from nightmare chained to nightmare, chained to the evilness of nightmare? With its inevitable thoughts of death, to ever fly away, and fly beyond!

VI

To be ever less consumed with pain by day, of course, would doubtless—so continued be my flight,

Until the dark, and dreary end of day, would prove to ever still the ravening fear I have each night.

End

Please always know you occupy some larger place within my heart.

Love,

‘Zahc’/Charles