”
Ah…To Sleep, Perchance To Dream; My Personal Adventure With The Sleeping
Medication, Ambien: A Cautionary Tale “
05/09/12
To my very dearest, special friends, and—as
always—to my gentle, loyal readers,
Regularly, now, because of my great pain, and
subsequent long days of not feeling well, or of Agoraphobia-inspired
contravention of practically all my former interests and pursuits
that—ordinarily—would involve my leaving home to some necessary destination, or
just to visit friends, I nonetheless frequently find myself, at end of day,
feeling restless, unsatisfied, but tired and sleepy.
I’m sure all of us have experienced broken nights,
full of tossing and turning, or, having to visit the bathroom, get a drink, or
have a cigarette, or two; besides that nightly menu of illness, ferocious
dreams, or simply lying there, watching as the clock advances time all through
the night.
A night that used to be one of easy and restorative
sleep is gone, and can no longer be relied upon. The struggles of the just-past day remain to
trouble us, and it would seem that any, little thing can rob us of our sleep,
especially for those for whom a night of solid and
unbroken rest would probably help our various ‘conditions’ fully as much as
some medications would.
For these are the cold hours; the long and dreary
nights when sleep will not descend to convey us to an honest rest.
And so, how many times do we wake, with faces grey
as grey the dawn; we know we had the opportunity to sleep, the motivation to sleep,
and a comfortable bed, piled—often with soft pillows, sheets that smell of
rain-washed sunshine--quilts, blankets, or other coverlets so sublime, that in
gratitude, the body sighs, and we settle-down, and try to compose ourselves,
free from annoying, left-over thoughts, or thoughts of what we must somehow try
to accomplish the next day.
But, my sweet friends, how often have you kept company
to an unenviable night, while your sleep-wear becomes itchy, or uncomfortably
hot, or feels as though soaked in sweat, as we despoil our covers, knocking our
pillows and spreads to the floor--in our discomfort--making them a mess, or, worse—should it be the
case—ruining the repose of someone next to us, particularly if they normally
would not have the problems as have we, and…if left alone, would be sound-asleep,
and snoring-away like Lords, or Ladies to the Manner born.
No matter their compassion and love for us, we
cannot expect them to suffer each night’s vigil as we do, because it is not
fair, or else, they may become outdone with us.
“Why can’t you just go to sleep!!?’
And some, who are—perhaps more accustomed to our dilemmas,
either endure it like Saints, or grumpily grab their covers to move to a different
and more quiet spot. Oh…how we envy them, disgusted in the knowing that the
rest of the neighborhood is fast asleep, so why then aren’t we?
“
A brief, mid-point diversion that I hope will either better illustrate my
point, or failing that, —at least may provide some mid-entry break” from my—too
often—long, and labored exposition.
1)
We frequently had patients who, while in
the grips of mania, would not sleep for three of four days at a time, and then,
because their bodies somehow caught up with them, on the fourth of fifth day,
would collapse, unable to be wakened up.
As you may well guess, such rude and terrible abuse of their bodies,
eventually took its toll upon their health and lifespans.
2)
At one time, I also had the rather dubious
pleasure of working the night shift with this younger woman, maybe less than twenty
years old, who would rather breezily announce to all that (I leave up to you to
fill in that, blond, young, too-happy, silly, and much too self –assured
voice), “ALL I have to do is just take ONE, Tylenol PM, and I can sleep for twelve
hours, straight!”. The rest of the staff looked at her with murder in their
eyes, and I swung a too-tired neck that sounded as if needing oiling at
her. At the time, I was probably
old-enough to her father’s, older brother.
“ H-r-r-r-u-m-p-h “ is
all the disgusted reply I could manage to muster at the time; shit, everyone
else I worked with had their own paths to hell in trying, ever, trying to get
enough sleep. Personally, with all my
after-shift errands, and necessary things to have to be done, I was always
tired, and, many times exhausted, whenever such sleep as I could manage to
weasel from a day was never enough. Yet,
on the strength of one, damn Tylenol PM, our ‘walking-talking, Barbie’, could
out-sleep the entire shift, and—of course—we hated her for that; if only one
Tylenol would work nearly as well, we’d all be up to our asses in the stuff.
Many swore by the
effects of ‘Sleepy-Time Tea’, or else took Melatonin; personally—in those
long-ago days—I filched my mother’s sleeping pills,’Dalmane’, hoping then to
find some sleep. But it made me so ‘wuzzle-headed’, that—at work—I, as did the
others, powered-down the coffee, until it upset our stomachs.
While not even ‘three cows’ worth of warm
milk—despite the tryptophan--would help; so off we go, on little journeys
through the house. We might stop here or
there to make sure all the doors are locked; perhaps we pause upon the
threshold of each bedroom, to ‘check’ up on the kids.
In these nightly trips, we often awake, and upset by
accident, our loving pets, who seem never to have any problem whatsoever
sleeping, and who look at us as though we just flew in from Mars. For, although they cannot speak, they—too—can
resent us in their own ways.
Do you—in your wanderings—pass the laundry room, and
briefly contemplate running a load or two of wash?
How often, in the literal, ‘dead’ of night, have we
found ourselves hungry, and prowled-though the refrigerator for that left-over,
chicken leg? Or dragged out the peanut
butter and jelly, for a sloppy, after midnight snack? Or, more simply grabbed a bowl of ice cream,
not necessarily because we were hungry (though, in truth, sometimes we are),
NONE of us need those extra calories, but more importantly, it briefly occupies
our attention, and passes time?
How many of us find ourselves, so tired that our
eyes will hardly stay open, as we sit in front of our computers, playing games
and games of ‘Solitaire’, or by the screen’s faint blue and unforgiving glow,
in playing endless games of ‘Angry Birds’?
Or…to sit out in the living room, knees drawn up
upon the sofa, perhaps clutching a sofa cushion to ourselves while watching
some pointless infomercial, or stupid movie, with the sound turned down so as
to not disturb the house?
And while a day or two of such ragged sleeplessness
is enough to make one tired, having such a regular regime will make one exhausted
and much ill-disposed to humor.
For I am fully convinced that—without—needed rest,
or sleep, our ‘conditions’, and our pains are only more focused-upon, and made
all the more worse; and that
‘we’—perhaps, much more need simple, and uncorrupted sleep to help us feel
better.
And so, many of us—myself included—turn to our
Providers for medications that will help us sleep, in hopes of sleeping long,
and well-enough to rise more or less refreshed, and ready for the coming
day. If they comply, hopefully the
sleeping medication ordered will do what its supposed to do, without
side-effects, or strangeness, or of feeling ‘loggy-headed and sluggish the next
day, or allergic to it.
During the last ten years that I have been disabled,
sleep has always been a major problem; even at the very first, Psychiatric
Hospital where I was employed, I worked the night shift, which turn one’s
awake/asleep patterns upside down.
This, my friends was in 1976, and on the staff—then
was a Psychiatrist we all referred to as ‘Dr. Prescription Pad’. In those days,
the ‘rules’ were loose or non-existent, so if—for example, a staff member
needed anything for ‘sleep’, the kindly Doctor would oblige.
Therefore, then, it was the case that he prescribed
for me, 1) Valium (which gave me horrific nightmares); and 2) Placidyl, which I
believe may be made by only one, obscure pharmaceutical, now, as it—like so
many very strong ‘hypnotics’ (sleeping medications), tend to also depress the
respiratory system. During the time that
I took Placidyl, I will have to say that nothing since, has ever knocked me
out, and kept me out so completley. This now is funny….looking back, but if I
took a Placidyl with water, in the kitchen of my tiny duplex, I hardly had time
to race to my bed, and there fall into it, dead asleep; and thus it kept me so
for eight of nine hours.
What a miracle! What evanescent joy divine! I slept,
not remembering a single thing; no apparent bad dreams; no wandering around in
my sleep; regrettably—though—every Eden, must, perforce, come equipped with a
serpent. And so it was with Placidyl.
After about my third month’s refilling, I began to
notice that it apparently depressed my respirations so much, that I awoke with
a start, and a beginning great inhalation of breath, as if I had had Apnea, or
perhaps needed a ‘jump start’; this scared me, so—with regrets, I stopped
taking it.
My dearest, caring friends, because of my many different
complaints, or conditions that are too often attended by rashers of great pain,
or headaches, now my nights are filled to brimming with unquiet sleep,
nightmare, and physical discomforts, so much, they often make me dread the
night, and of replaying, and replaying, an endless horror show, I
turned—desperately—to my Primary for some nostrum that would simply knock me
out, and with hope, keep me asleep long-enough to have some energy for the day.
Within the fullness of time, and years, I tried
various preparations: some made me barely drowsy; others did not last. Some tasted unutterably horrible, such that
it required an immediate ‘chaser’, to rid myself of the gagging flavor. Some left me—the next day—feeling as if my
head were filled with cotton.
And then, my dearest friends, was Ambien: much
touted as a wonder drug, and one relatively free of side-effects.
“O.K.”, said I, “what have we to lose
except—perhaps—a sound, night’s sleep without it.” And so, my kind Provider put me on Ambien CR,
10 mgs. which actually seemed to work; I would take them just before going to
bed, and they would make me sleepy, so I could doze off.
The ‘secret’ was—of course—the ‘CR’ affixed to the
prescription; in that fashion, in taking a whole pill, it would time-release
its effects all through the night. And,
I NEVER had a moments worry with it. I do not recall having any nightmares with
it, and I seemed to sleep soundly, without wandering the house.
But then—as so often happens—faceless, nameless
morons feel somehow compelled to always try to throw shit into the game, there
came a time when on my Medicare part D, Prescription Plan, the Ambien ‘CR’ was
dropped from the plan’s formulary, though, regular Ambien 10 mgs.
remained. Confused yet?
What that meant was that instead the medication
being ‘control-release’, now one got the full Monty of effects nearly at once,
with nothing to slow these effects down, or, make them last. While often, the
Ambien 10 mgs, made me sleepy fairly quickly, they did not keep me asleep; and
as further aggravation, straight Ambien taken at that dosage level can make you
do odd things, such as finding oneself out at the kitchen counter, asleep, and,
taking the whole shot can make one unsteady, confused, and irritable.
The worst affects I’ve noticed is the nightmares,
and the tendency to roam out to the kitchen at night; and while it is not ‘sleep
walking’ in the traditionally accepted notion, I find that it is close-enough;
how often have I gotten up earlier than the middle of the night, to leave the
front door wide open, lights on throughout the house, the patio doors open for
Daisy, or to awake at any time, in an office chair I keep there, lying head on
extended arms, after I have swept everything on that part of the counter to the
floor: magazines, letters, cups (empty of full), ashtrays full of ashes, to
make a mess under me, which—while it happens—I sort of know it—but do nothing
about it.
And as I may have mentioned it, before, my dearest
friends, I do not live in a neighborhood that encourages me to fall asleep out
in the kitchen, while the front door is unlocked, and wide open. How could I
possibly make it easier if someone wanted in?
The point of Ambien is to help one fall asleep
faster, but not necessarily keep one asleep.
But because too many times, I have awakened in an agony of pain, just a
couple minutes, before I actually GO to bed, now, I take:
1)
Ambien (Zolpidum) 10 mgs.
2)
Ciproheptadine HCL 4 mgs (this is an
antihistamine that helps me with my sinuses; tends to make one drowsy; and,
seems to work well, in conjunction to the Ambien, and with the Klonopin I take
much earlier).
3)
Ropinerole (Requip), excellent for the
treatment of ‘Restless Leg Syndrome’; although an anti-Parkinson’s drug, has a
list of some very severe, potential, side-effects).
4)
Morphine Sulfate 30 mgs, for
‘breakthrough pain’, a term that confuses me; as ne is either in pain, or not
in pain, with only the most brief moments of partial relief.
Please note that, where possible, generic forms of
the drugs are placed in parentheses.
But, I hope there may be light at the end of the
tunnel; my Psych. Nurse recently told me that the generic equivalent of Ambien
10 mgs may soon be available in ‘CR’ form; for me, that would be wonderful if
it helped put me to sleep; kept me asleep; and kept me from wandering.
Please always know, my dearest, and most precious
friends, and loyal readers, I am NOT a professional; nor am I licensed, and am
NOT a Therapist, so that anything that I may share with you is my own
experience, and my own opinion.
I am writing this to you, as so many at MDJunction
have sleep disorders, and that I’ve read some people have had problems taking
Ambien. I would strongly urge that you
bring up these concerns with a professional; on her next visit, I intend to
broach my concerns (and hopes) with my Primary. If faulty memory still serves,
I think I had fairly good results with Restoril 30 mgs.
I think you might be surprised at how much a
regular, untroubled, nightmare, and pain-free night of repose will help restore
you.
Besides…who really wants to play ‘Solitaire’ at 3
AM?
Please always know I wish for you days of
much-lessened, or of ‘no pain’ or distress; family love and harmony; with
genuine and kindly friends who truly love you for who you are; thoughts turning
to family outings; picnics, BBQ’s, or trips to the beach; a reemerging desire
to enjoy life, AND to have fun! To find
your laugh once more; of balmy, pleasant afternoons free from depression or
want; a sense of security; nights of genuine tiredness (NOT exhaustion), and,
with a day’s sense of accomplishment, of climbing into a bed that is clean,
crisp, and delightfully cool; and gentle sleep that is nightmare-free, and
restorative, filled—instead—with wondrous dreams; watched over, and kept safe
by blessed angels!
And,
always, please remember that I love you dearly!
‘Zahc'/Charles
