02/04/12
To my very dearest friends, and ever-loyal, constant readers,
How often do I think of you ? And wonder how—despite near-constant pain—how you manage to conduct your lives, with its daily upheavals and surprises, good and bad; how you either can or cannot step past your ‘safe zones’, and what a never-ending struggle it must surely be to fight pain, loneliness, depression while still raising children, attending to spouses ( either sex ), and their needs, to caring for your pets.
To running households, and paying bills, and—in general—being fully as responsible as even those who know no illness.
For you, dear friends, who have multiple conditions, the world does not stop on its axis for your needs; and, even those these daily ‘chores’ prove fully a 1,000 times more difficult to bear, still…they must be borne by someone.
And for those—like myself—who live alone, except for dog, that void of being unable to cope, or to function is gladly given over to ‘so-called’ neighbors, ‘so-called’ friends, to do all those necessary things one no longer do oneself; whether shopping for groceries; doing laundry; keeping the lawn mowed, and the hedges trimmed; or, simply trying to keep the house clean-enough to avoid complete embarrassment.
Long gone, regrettably, are the days of friendly, helpful, kind neighbors, or even friends who would ever offer help, hope, and support; stopping by the store on the way home to pick up some need prescriptions; mowing the lawn, whenever it got a little rank; offering to throw in a load of laundry with their own, or pick up the gathering mail, because it was considered, if it was considered at all, to be just a part of Godliness, and neighborliness. These people brought a pot of soup when you were sick; and, maybe—while they were about it, picked up the house a little, knowing that you couldn’t, and that—somehow—it was just the right thing to do.
But times have changed. People have changed. Society has changed; so that nothing is ever done out of mere kindness, but done as a convenience that implies obligation.
There are so many things that they no longer remember to do; as when they do, they fully expect payment for it. And as this is how the world goes now, compensation for ‘things done’ usually involves payment in cash, ( or, sometimes, at the grocery store, payment for services rendered is often paid in like kind ).
How often have I said, “ If you go to the grocery store for me, and take my list ( as often, I am out of so many things ), I will pay for whatever you and your family want for supper .”
Having been disabled since 2002, and of subsequently having other illnesses added on, there is so very much that I can no longer do. And so, for those things that I cannot do myself, and must—therefore—have done, I am quite used to payment for services rendered.
I realizes that I am taking up a neighbor’s time, trouble, and expense, especially, gasoline these days, and so, I have to make the ante sweet, just to get them to do things for me.
And since their time and expense varies, these ‘commodities’ too vary, from that which is more or less reasonable, to that which is plain usury.
I know that I no can no longer work, and, having been adjudicated as disabled, now receive SSDI benefits, once a month. Now, this sum is—for the most part fixed—and, frankly, is about a third of what I once earned, when bills are paid, and groceries gotten, and utilities and taxes taken out, it is gone….it is gone…it is gone…..there won’t be anything coming in until next month.
And while I don’t quite understand this part….since I do not work, nor do I punch a time clock, and stay home 98% of the time, for some, strange reason, my little SSDI is viewed—by some—as a little piggy bank, with them holding the hammer, and somehow, they—in think this is ‘free’ money, also think of it as endless money, ready to be used by me for them, whenever they come up a little short, and they are ALWAYS coming up short, somehow.
Their very reasoning, if it could even be called that, completely baffles me.
Maybe ‘cause I own my home; how many times have they come up short on their mortgages ?
I do not have a car, nor do I pay car insurance; but how often is their insurance late ?
I have mere cents in savings; apparently, they have none at all, and so often, are overdrawn at their banks.
I can only imagine that, in their desperation, a little light bulb goes off above their heads, and they say to themselves, “ Oh, I know what I’ll do, I just hit Charlie ( for the requisite amount ).”
And so, in addition to the bazillion things they would never offer to do for free, they think up stuff, so that I will have to pay them.
But dear friends, having been disabled since 2002, now age 58, although pain, depression, and other ailments fill my calendar, I have not exactly lost my mind, so that I can see-through their more transparent bids.
Of course it hurts my heart; of course it makes me inordinately furious. It also pains, and disappoints me, thinking that these were ‘my friends’ ?
I know that functionally I am trapped here; and from long practice and negotiation, do not expect a free ride in life.
But, having been so one more than one occasion, I do not think that I should have to be gouged, until my last penny is gone for the month.
For some while—now—I have been wanting to go to the local, “Hobby Lobby”, just to look around, and see what’s there, and maybe—if I could afford it, get something reasonable, maybe, for Daisy, or the house. And being horrifically Agoraphobic, thought any journey out would be most welcome.
My neighbors know this.
Yesterday, a neighbor called, and said that, since neither she, nor her estranged husband would be working today, that they would be happy to take me to the “Hobby Lobby” for a while; and here’s the sneaky, transparent, effects of their greedy, little minds at work:
In return, all I’d have to do is put some gas in their van (translate, a LOT of gas ) for them, and then, on the way home, “treat” them, “to Hungry Howie’s Pizza, as,” they, “hadn’t had pizza in a long time.”
Now, granted, with age, and mind-fog, and disrepute, my math skills are lacking, but, as my jaw hit the floor, from the utter “ballziness’ of this idea, several things did occur to me:
1) Since neither of them were working, today….no income coming in.
2) They had an otherwise ‘free’, and unstructured day.
3) I would—in effect—be buying gasoline for them for this next week.
4) After, say, an hour and a half ( as I could probably not tolerate more ), upon dumping me off at home, what better way to watch the football game tonight, than with provided, free pizza ????!!!!!
In truth, I have not been feeling well, and hurt, and too nauseous—almost—to even consider food; and so, it was not an entire lie when I told her I did not want to go, but to maybe check back with me in three weeks ( I still have NO intention of going anywhere on those terms ).
I am ashamed, and sad, and sorry to have had to discover that these ‘neighbors’ are not friends, but USERS, who, at their convenience, would gladly ‘pick me clean’ whenever they can.
And this, I most regret, includes their 25 yr. old son, whom I’ve known since diaperhood, and thought he was my friend.
There’s a marked difference between ‘paying one’s way’, to being intentionally ground into powder, or, to put it another way….’Sucked dry’.
And this is the same neighbor lady I pay $100.00 a month to for one, hot meal a day. That’s how I learned to love baked Ziti, after I had had it for seven day’s running.
I just no longer know; my ‘neediness’ makes me a leech after all, so, I guess, we’re using each other.
Funny how Life turns out, huh ?
Well, my dear sweet friends, some lessons are not easy to learn, nor nice.
But, in closing, I would ever wish you days of lessened or of ‘no pain’; wonderful days, peaceful days; evenings of quiet contemplation, and nights…ah, the nights, filled with blissful, and untroubled sleep, free from worry or care. And safe, from the users, and abusers of this world.
I love you dearly,
‘Zahc’
