‘With Sugar And Spice, and Everything Nice ‘
02/18/12
To my always kind and dearest Friends, and patient, ever-loyal readers: again I would seek to draw you close, perhaps to seek from you some proffered strength, to cling to an offered arm to steady me, and keep me from falling.
Thus steadied, I could look into your caring eyes to tell you how very, very special you have become to me; and how grateful I am to you for your constant and unchanging kindness; your many hugs, and private notes, and comments to my diary somehow—for a magic while—elevate me above my distress, and lighten my usual pain.
As in life, it would seem that there are friends, and then there are friends who, in their natural goodness, and decency, and their effort, seek to sustain this friendship, and never allow it to lapse into obscurity.
For others…perhaps the novelty has worn thin, or else their interests waned, and some, for whom signing up and seeking friendship was somehow made too easy, sealed—not in permanence—but by an almost ill-regard; a random key-stroke, much as in Facebook, wherein supposed ‘friends’ are gathered up like status points: I’ve seen this done, for who can have seven-thousand friends; surely this amassed throng means nothing.
And I regret to say, that, even at MDJunction, scores of friendship applications are clicked ‘yes’, and then are quite forgotten; I know that in my monthly group ‘hug’, how few respond, and from month to month go unanswered, while a few form friendships outside the limits of MDJ, to exchange e-mail, and telephone numbers; I know this to be a certainty, as it has happened quite naturally to me as well.
And while such detachment saddens me, I realize that one cannot properly pay attention to an hundred friends, and while I thank you for finding me to be of interest at one time, there remains for me the friends who have been steadfast, caring, ever interested and supportive, there are other ‘friends’ who regularly read my diary pages, and to you who have been as loyal readers, I cannot thank you enough, as you gladden my heart, and I am frankly overwhelmed by your growing numbers.
And yes, as any would-be writer would, I most eagerly add up your ‘hits’ each Friday evening, as I hope, in my self-defined role of ‘care-giver’ would continue to try to offer some, small help; to be a Voice, and an Advocate for those who in silence, need one; to only bother you with the details of my illness as little as possible, or to just provide a long, but interesting read.
Whenever I think of MDJunction ( which is often ), I imagine some vast universe, whose planets are as faint, but glittering stars.
And everyone’s a member in some graduated need; those who suffer pain and loneliness, but yet must go on; those whose Past ever reaches out to strangle them; those whose anxiety gives them panic so severe; those who are depressed, and see no end to it; those who feel isolated, and alone, unable to leave their ‘safety zones’ even for the necessary commerce of Man; those who—even now—are damaged, and uncared for, who fail to thrive for lack of love.
I know ALL these, because I AM all these.
And those who are lost, or nearly so, my heart hears your pain, and is truly broken by it.
True unabated suffering knows no hierarchy, no scale, nor list of dominant importance.
Its wearied and unchanging state is Hell on earth, lived out from day to day, second to second, at a speed faster than that of a neurotransmitter. Faster—even—than the computer at which you presently sit.
It is fast, because it is limitless; oh, one may argue about the 1-10 Pain Scale; personally, I liken pain to someone walking along the beach beside an ocean, whose vastness stretches-unbroken—at the horizon.
For there is a state of no pain, or, at least unrecognizable pain during anesthesia or deepest sleep; pain, or, the ‘experience’ of pain—if you will—begins with putting the first toe into the water; step by step forward, the water gets deeper, first knee high; then hip high; the waist high; then shoulder high; and finally, over-head high.
Were it the ocean, that person would drown; likewise, pain increases OR decreases until it either becomes manageable, or becomes engulfing, terrifying, sweat-filled, crying, unbearable.
At that point ( for me, anyway ), there functionally is NO ‘10’ on a scale, only, that which can be bared (or, controlled with medication ), or not; one might as well revise the standard Pain Scale, from 1-10, to 0-Infinity.
And, when all one can see is pain, then depression, inadequacy, fearfulness, uselessness soon follow; these negative emotive States are powerful influences on our lives. And often those in great or greatest pain become the least likely to be able to function successfully as parent; spouse; child; employee; manager; neighbor, or to be able to carry out those tasks of daily living such as grocery shopping, which, to those thus unaffected seem effortless. Further, they often cannot understand the ill person’s lack of fortitude, thinking it either a rouse, a lie, or a scam.
And this is regrettably true for many medical Providers, as much as it is for the average American, many of whom have had NO pain, ever, or such, tiny, taken-for-granted annoyances, such as headaches for which a couple Tylenol will dispatch.
In their ‘painless’ history, perhaps the only pain they have ever known has been from some, slight, self-limiting injury ( e.g. sprained ankle ), or, perhaps a bout of flu, or a naughty wisdom tooth ( which, while inordinately painful, was ended by a course of Percocet, and extraction.
They cannot fathom what abuse is like; or torture; nor starving; nor depression; nor panic; nor agoraphobia; nor migraine, much less other, auto-immune system dysfunctions such as Lupus; Fibromyalgia; Bipolar II or I, and so on.
But, please ALWAYS know I love you dearly.
End Of Part I of II; Part II To Follow Shortly.
