| Sep 12 2011 |
09/12/11
My very dear friends, and loyal readers,
I must first apologize to you, as--today--not, unlike so many days, now--I found myself quite trapped between 'Lupus/Fibromyalgia/DeepestDepression and pain', and the mindless fog, frankly, a grateful fog of lassitude upon feeling the medication take effect; I went from pain and despair ( and, anger ! ) until I had chills of pain, waves of pain, to feeling 'thick-headed', and unable to plan, or to even make sound decisions.
I wanted to sleep--actually--and to readily give myself over to that resultant fog, even though I despise it; there is no 'steady state' for me, as while the pain or the fog exists as separate entities, yet, one or the other is either on the ascendency or decline, and only meet for the time it takes the medication to take effect. Inevitably, in trying ever to escape the pain ( which is in and of itself, a natural thing to do ), the medications rob from the mind what they return to the body. The pain, when it is severe enough, steals from both, as then, all conscious thoughts turn toward remedy.
At that point, dear friends, ther are NO clear 'winners' in this situation, except--perhaps--for that weary concession to pain, by taking strong medications.
It would seem to me, then, that in the equation of 'Pain + Pain Relief', the probable answer is zero. And that is precisely the moment that fear, depression, and regret come by to sat hello; and this scenario happens over and over and over again, day in, day out causing anger and resentment. In Pain Management, it is not whether the 'glass is half full, or half empty; the quantity contained, therein, simply occours because the glass itself is too large.
But I digress, my poor readers.
We seem to be a Society much given over to comparison: 'Who looks the best ?; 'Who has the better clothes ?'; "Who has the nicer home ?'; "Who drives the better car ?'. And on and on it goes. Everyone is considered, everyone judged, and we make our own 'value statements', and often use them to define ourselves, our status, our worth, our meaning in life.
These are but shallow observations, when a clear perception could be had by simply looking in a mirror. How do WE compare to ourselves ? Are we more kind ? More truthful ? Better, as humjan beings ? Mostly, if we look into a mirror, it is not to catalogue our faults and our strengths, but, rather, how do we 'appear to others'. Almost entirely as outward markers of success, of possession, of the accumulations of things 'wanted', rather than 'needed'.
We then take only casual stock of not who we are, nut of what we have. And THAT becomes the benchmark in how we judge ourselves.
Granted, I am in almost constant, and unrelieved pain; so are many of you, my dear readers.
Granted, I have to try to live on SSDI, as so many of you have to.
Granted, that in my inculturation, there seem to be so many things that I 'want', but simply cannot afford them; that is why, among other reasons, I am trying to purchase a pony. Do I NEED a pony ? Can I even take care of a pony ? Does my owning a pony ( or, not, depending on how this all proceeds ) improve Society, or in fact, help any of my fellow sufferers and citizens ? The resounding answer is NO.
Some time ago, when I was still being visited by the grief councilor at Hospice ( when my dear mother was still alive ), and I happened to complain about how low my pantry was getting, he looked at me, cocked his head, and asked me, " How many meals have you missed ?" I really could not think of any.
One day, some weeks hence, while I was looing through my pantry and cupboards for something to fix for dinner.....and could not make up my mind....I realized that I had choices, not many, but choices nonetheless.
It was then--I think--that I created an imaginary Rhodesian family of four: a mother, a father, and two children. I created them especially for me, for, while it is a given, that, in any one day, perhaps at least a third of the globe's population would go to bed that night, hungry, and with no shelter, I needed something, someone to bring the point home with certainly more effectively. And, then, there they were; a quiet family, with quiet children.
Looking around my home, I began to wonder what my 'new' family would think of it. And my thought both stratled and surprised me into speachlessness.
For imagine if you will, TWO rooms designed for no other reason than sleeping ?!!! TWO inside, and private bathrooms, with running water, hot AND cold; a livingroom to house furniture for the most part ?!!! A kitchen ? What is that ? A refridgerator with FOOD in it; a stove ? a sink ? A 'dishwasher' ?!!! A spacious, and green yard ? Electricity ?!!!! What can this be, but some palace, and on a street, in a neighborhood, a County, a State, and a Nation not overrun by armed troops, random, and widespread murder, no slavery, no endless war ????!!!!!! NO worry that in the night, you might be herded out and shot, or have your children mutilated, or sold into slavery ????!!!!!!
What place IS this ? Is it an Heaven? Is it real, can it possible be?!!!
Somewhere along the way, I found that I opened my doors, and...my heart to my Rhodesion family, and, at the same time, caused me to look around me with 'new' eyes.
And while 'my' pain may be different, it could never hope to compare with the thought of seeing your family butchered before your very eyes. And to know relentless fear, and terror, and hunger, and need for water, and the need for love, and for Peace.
Suddenly, I knew not for whim I was crying most for. Perhaps us both.
But, I also knew in that instant, just how grateful I was for quiet, friendly neighbors; a quite street, and for all that I had. The home that I inherited; sufficient food on which to survive; a wonderful dog, the 'best on the planet'.
But, most importantly, I was grateful to be an American, ( with all our remaining freedoms ) still freedom that eclipsed all tryanny, and grateful to live in America ( for these are two, different gratitudes ), to relish my freedon, and lack of the daily threat of harm, injury, or....death.
As guaranteed by our Constitution, and Bill Of Rights, the most important part of Freedom, is of being free. And , of having choices.
And while our Society has its own faults, they are due primarily to our own indiffence, and apathy to them. We cannot hope to change it, unless we first change ourselves.
If you find yourself having to eat hamburger, but dream--instead--of steak ( and...who hasn't ? ), you are still able to have that which is fully denied to so very, very many. Every day. Week after week. Month after month. Without ceasing.
As so, gentle friends and readers, on my way to have super,tonight, I will stop to pet my dog, open a refrigerator for a dinner that I in no way prepared, and, later, hope to climb into a welcome bed, with clean and cool sheets.
I shall pray to my God for my Rhodesian family of four, fully as much as I will offer up thanks for myself, for my friends, and friends at MDJunction, for my late parents, and, as the medictions make me drowsy enough to try to sleep, I will--at last whisper thanks to those who gave their very lives to protect us,and to keep us Free. And, who are doing so, even as you, my dear and gentle readers read this entry.
To all, I wish 'pain-free' days, quiet evenings, and blessed, and peaceful nights of sweet, dream-filled, and restorative sleep. Love, 'Zahc/Charles'
My very dear friends, and loyal readers,
I must first apologize to you, as--today--not, unlike so many days, now--I found myself quite trapped between 'Lupus/Fibromyalgia/DeepestDepression and pain', and the mindless fog, frankly, a grateful fog of lassitude upon feeling the medication take effect; I went from pain and despair ( and, anger ! ) until I had chills of pain, waves of pain, to feeling 'thick-headed', and unable to plan, or to even make sound decisions.
I wanted to sleep--actually--and to readily give myself over to that resultant fog, even though I despise it; there is no 'steady state' for me, as while the pain or the fog exists as separate entities, yet, one or the other is either on the ascendency or decline, and only meet for the time it takes the medication to take effect. Inevitably, in trying ever to escape the pain ( which is in and of itself, a natural thing to do ), the medications rob from the mind what they return to the body. The pain, when it is severe enough, steals from both, as then, all conscious thoughts turn toward remedy.
At that point, dear friends, ther are NO clear 'winners' in this situation, except--perhaps--for that weary concession to pain, by taking strong medications.
It would seem to me, then, that in the equation of 'Pain + Pain Relief', the probable answer is zero. And that is precisely the moment that fear, depression, and regret come by to sat hello; and this scenario happens over and over and over again, day in, day out causing anger and resentment. In Pain Management, it is not whether the 'glass is half full, or half empty; the quantity contained, therein, simply occours because the glass itself is too large.
But I digress, my poor readers.
We seem to be a Society much given over to comparison: 'Who looks the best ?; 'Who has the better clothes ?'; "Who has the nicer home ?'; "Who drives the better car ?'. And on and on it goes. Everyone is considered, everyone judged, and we make our own 'value statements', and often use them to define ourselves, our status, our worth, our meaning in life.
These are but shallow observations, when a clear perception could be had by simply looking in a mirror. How do WE compare to ourselves ? Are we more kind ? More truthful ? Better, as humjan beings ? Mostly, if we look into a mirror, it is not to catalogue our faults and our strengths, but, rather, how do we 'appear to others'. Almost entirely as outward markers of success, of possession, of the accumulations of things 'wanted', rather than 'needed'.
We then take only casual stock of not who we are, nut of what we have. And THAT becomes the benchmark in how we judge ourselves.
Granted, I am in almost constant, and unrelieved pain; so are many of you, my dear readers.
Granted, I have to try to live on SSDI, as so many of you have to.
Granted, that in my inculturation, there seem to be so many things that I 'want', but simply cannot afford them; that is why, among other reasons, I am trying to purchase a pony. Do I NEED a pony ? Can I even take care of a pony ? Does my owning a pony ( or, not, depending on how this all proceeds ) improve Society, or in fact, help any of my fellow sufferers and citizens ? The resounding answer is NO.
Some time ago, when I was still being visited by the grief councilor at Hospice ( when my dear mother was still alive ), and I happened to complain about how low my pantry was getting, he looked at me, cocked his head, and asked me, " How many meals have you missed ?" I really could not think of any.
One day, some weeks hence, while I was looing through my pantry and cupboards for something to fix for dinner.....and could not make up my mind....I realized that I had choices, not many, but choices nonetheless.
It was then--I think--that I created an imaginary Rhodesian family of four: a mother, a father, and two children. I created them especially for me, for, while it is a given, that, in any one day, perhaps at least a third of the globe's population would go to bed that night, hungry, and with no shelter, I needed something, someone to bring the point home with certainly more effectively. And, then, there they were; a quiet family, with quiet children.
Looking around my home, I began to wonder what my 'new' family would think of it. And my thought both stratled and surprised me into speachlessness.
For imagine if you will, TWO rooms designed for no other reason than sleeping ?!!! TWO inside, and private bathrooms, with running water, hot AND cold; a livingroom to house furniture for the most part ?!!! A kitchen ? What is that ? A refridgerator with FOOD in it; a stove ? a sink ? A 'dishwasher' ?!!! A spacious, and green yard ? Electricity ?!!!! What can this be, but some palace, and on a street, in a neighborhood, a County, a State, and a Nation not overrun by armed troops, random, and widespread murder, no slavery, no endless war ????!!!!!! NO worry that in the night, you might be herded out and shot, or have your children mutilated, or sold into slavery ????!!!!!!
What place IS this ? Is it an Heaven? Is it real, can it possible be?!!!
Somewhere along the way, I found that I opened my doors, and...my heart to my Rhodesion family, and, at the same time, caused me to look around me with 'new' eyes.
And while 'my' pain may be different, it could never hope to compare with the thought of seeing your family butchered before your very eyes. And to know relentless fear, and terror, and hunger, and need for water, and the need for love, and for Peace.
Suddenly, I knew not for whim I was crying most for. Perhaps us both.
But, I also knew in that instant, just how grateful I was for quiet, friendly neighbors; a quite street, and for all that I had. The home that I inherited; sufficient food on which to survive; a wonderful dog, the 'best on the planet'.
But, most importantly, I was grateful to be an American, ( with all our remaining freedoms ) still freedom that eclipsed all tryanny, and grateful to live in America ( for these are two, different gratitudes ), to relish my freedon, and lack of the daily threat of harm, injury, or....death.
As guaranteed by our Constitution, and Bill Of Rights, the most important part of Freedom, is of being free. And , of having choices.
And while our Society has its own faults, they are due primarily to our own indiffence, and apathy to them. We cannot hope to change it, unless we first change ourselves.
If you find yourself having to eat hamburger, but dream--instead--of steak ( and...who hasn't ? ), you are still able to have that which is fully denied to so very, very many. Every day. Week after week. Month after month. Without ceasing.
As so, gentle friends and readers, on my way to have super,tonight, I will stop to pet my dog, open a refrigerator for a dinner that I in no way prepared, and, later, hope to climb into a welcome bed, with clean and cool sheets.
I shall pray to my God for my Rhodesian family of four, fully as much as I will offer up thanks for myself, for my friends, and friends at MDJunction, for my late parents, and, as the medictions make me drowsy enough to try to sleep, I will--at last whisper thanks to those who gave their very lives to protect us,and to keep us Free. And, who are doing so, even as you, my dear and gentle readers read this entry.
To all, I wish 'pain-free' days, quiet evenings, and blessed, and peaceful nights of sweet, dream-filled, and restorative sleep. Love, 'Zahc/Charles'
No comments:
Post a Comment