01/25/12
As always to my dear, dear friends, and gentle readers, I must continue to ask your most kind pardon; not only am in compete pain, with a sick stomach, and '5-'alarm' headache, which nothing will touch, I fear--because of lately mounting stress, that I now am so depressed, and washed-out. In addition, I have begun to experience tiny--yet noticable--panic attacks, that I did explain to my 'Shrink'.
I feel as if I'm being cornered--trapped--in situations quite above and beyond my control.
Thus, in finding no safe place to be, I now can with more more clarity understand my dear, dear friend's 'Strenuba's' latest poem, which I urge all to read, as it is both powerful AND true.
Forgive me, please, dearest friends, for I'd rather be 'helper', than 'helpless'.
But please NEVER forget, how very grateful I am for your most kind friendships, and your supportive, and encourageing PM's, and hug, and comments, for, sometimes, that is the thread of hope to which I cling.
I love you dearly.
'Zahc'
01/25/12
My dearest 'Tenar', or, dearest Boops, if you prefer,
Including former hospital stays, I think--but, today, as I have a monster 5-alarm headache, and am unusually depressed--, by my estimation, my current 'Shrink', is number seven.
Although I would disllike to qualify the breed, I am afraid that I would have to side with Agatha Christie, as, in, " All Tigers breed true."
For, in my checkered past, I have had a couple who were not so much 'pill machines', though, one was, these sattraps are more like ' pill guessers ', always reaching into their Pandora's box of samples, about which they knew nothing save what the pharmaceutical rep. had told them. These Shrinks are among the dangerous ones, as I was made to be a guinea pig in an experitment run by the pharmaceutical house, as, any untoward side-effects were to be reported only to the pharmaceuticals first, instead of the CDC.
I have had ( in hospital ) two, who spent maybe two minutes with me, once, barely pausing at my table as I had my lunch.
I had one, who was a complete ego-driven bastard, who laughed at me, even as he tried to increase in the number of drugs that I was taking, until I was on seven; on one occasion, he went down a twenty drug list, to see which ones 'I' thought might help best; and when I gainsayed all, he got pissed and said, " How do you expect me to help you when you are non-compliant ?"
He was the one who--in having sloppily-written a script, when called by the pharmacy, he accused me of altering the script, and then, he dismissed me from his practice; what a prick ! I have since heard from others that he is a dick. Still.
I then had one who--as some test--took me off ALL my meds, declaring that withdrawal would be but a minor thing, and placed me on new meds ( none of which worked ) and that was in June of 2006, quite possiby the worse time of my life. I went to pieces, went into withdrawal, and nearly lost care of my mother. ( I also had pneumonia at the time, on top of food poisoning ).
Frankly, dear, only God, and pure tennacity kept me out of the hospital; when he again saw me, he took me off the new shit, and placed me back on my old meds., that had proven to be as reliable as really any of them can be. Just in time, for me to go into the regular hospital for advanced pneumonia,( left, lower lobe, and pneumothorax ), which required an eleven-day stay, and chest tubes. I had to remain in bed sitting up, and since the staff was always on the run, my pain medications were often hours late.
And then ( pardon me, as it STILL riles me ), the fuck ( and his co-psychiatrist wife, abruptly up, and jettisoned their practices after 8 and 1/2 years, with less than two weeks' notice; so quickly, that not even their reception staff knew whether they'd get paid, or have jobs.
That brings me to my present Shrink, one I feel is about like the rest of them, but, I can tolerate him better, and he won't up and screw with my meds.
There are but few other Shrinks in this County, and, I really don't know their reputations; only that, as a 'new patient status' first visit, the waiting time is about six months to a year and a half.
In many ways, I may have inherited a mutt, but, overall, he's probably the best of the litter. At least--in his own way--he listens to me, and we've made some positive medication changes fairly recently; and, he gives me at least 20-30 minutes for a session, rather than the five he is supposed to do for, ' medical management '. Part of that is because he's the only therapist I see, and, I complained about wanting more time.
So, there you have it.
I suppose that if I lived in a larger, metropolitan area, there would be more choices to sellect from; but, in verity, trying to find ANY Provider that one can establish the necessary rapport with is a pain in the ass.
Actually, dear, to be candid, whenever I hurt at this level, AND slide into a huge bout of depression, as I seem to have done since I am feeling cornered, AND stressed-out, and anxious, with little panic attacks filtering in, everything's a colossal pain in the ass.
And about all I can do, is try to keep distracted, dose up, or try to sleep it off, or, to paraphrase Winston Churchill's: [ try to }, " Keep Calm, And Carry On"; though, I much prefer, " When in danger, or in doubt, scream and yell, and run about !" I think that is from Edward Gorey.
As always, dear 'Tenar', I thank you for a most dear friendship that has lasted centuries, and ever for your kind concern, care, and love.
My dear, please, please do take care.
I love you,
Charles ('Zahc').
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