“Some
Hoped For, Gladsome Wish I have For You”
12/01/12
To
my very, very dearest friends, and always patient, loyal readers,
I cannot say—with any sense of truth—that today,
Saturday, December 1, 2012 is in any way, ‘special’…excepting that, this morning,
I awoke, finding myself to be still alive.
Each day is largely mirror’d twin to the one before,
and to the ones that follow. After yet
another lost and uncertain night, quite remarked by foul and fetid dreams that
served only to disorient and dismay.
In addition—as has well be evidenced these past
three days, now—I find myself again in some near-consuming illness (could it be
the flu?), which adds its own debilitating pain to all the other pain; as when
from some apparent, ‘masking effect’, I can no longer distinguish between the
natural pain of illness, and the quite unnatural pain of Lupus, Fibro, and
R.A., except to know that—I can hardly draw a decent breath, and suffer agonies
of endless waves of pain. And that—in
some dreadful combination—I have no taste for food, nor any disturbing stimuli,
such as loud noises, sudden shocks, even standing up too soon…I am made
uncertain on my feet, and—really—what I want most, my very dearest friends
(frankly) is to drift to a place of peaceful, ‘nothingness’. And there allow-fully all my,’ evil’,
atoms--in some retrograde conjugate--to find absolute anonymity, lost among the
countless particles of the universe.
When hope—at last—is fully fled, as are dreams,
desires, and all thoughts of a guaranteed, steady sense of, ‘pleasantness’, it
is so very easy to think myself a, ‘victim’, of some monstrous Irony, rather
than try to assume some responsibility for a much less than satisfactory
existence.
Although I detest the inevitable, ‘limiting’, that
illnesses, and constant pain confer, I think I most regret the greater loss of
Self, and mental acuity as a consequent effect of the medications I MUST take
(and—in fact—cannot, ‘live’, without!).
So bereft of strength, energy, and wit am I,
that—for example—even though I try to go to my computer every day, it has taken
me four days (thus far), to compose, and write this diary entry to you. For which I ask for you most kind forgiveness.
The times I spend at my computer are used—for the
most part—in deleting sale’s ads, obnoxious, ‘pop ups’, and unbidden, and
unwanted, blaring video ads that simply put my nerves on edge.
I receive very little personal e-mail. And have subscribed to many videos I had
hoped might provide me with some small humor, some little diversion, and
something to somehow while-away the empty hours, and the necessary spaces of
time between times to take so much assembled medication that, often, I feel as
if I’m, ‘full’, of pills, with no room left, or want for food.
However—my very, dearest friends—the planets must
align, or else, a passing angel visits long-enough, so that I—on most rare of
occasions—find something on the computer, a video that is so remarkable, so
compelling in its honesty, so, ‘uplifting’, as to make the heart sing in synchrony.
And it was to such a fascinating video—several days
ago, now-- that I actually accidentally, ‘stumbled’, across. I would never have found it otherwise.
It is precisely this ten-minute video that I most
wish to share with you, my wonderfully caring, constant friends.
Sometimes we NEED to hear another’s story; sometimes
we NEED something quite outside our own, ‘situations’. Sometimes, we NEED a careful brush with
wonderment, and…joy!
I cannot urge you enough, dear friends, to cut and
paste the video’s address into your browser window, if that’s what it is
called, so that you—too—may hear and incredible story, incredibly presented.
It is a story of horror, of sadness, of
despair. Yes, all that. But it is also a story that sings, and makes
glad, and moves the heart, mind, and…soul.
And, my dearest friends, should you experience a,
‘lump’, in your throat, or taste the minute saltiness of tears upon your face,
they will be honest tears, shed honestly, sufficient (with their endorphins) to
wash-away some measure of your pain or your despair.
There is much, ‘gladness’, here in triumph, and
gladness-full enough to experience, and to share.
I hope with all my heart that you—too—be so
affected.
And so—without further ado—this is the link to the
video that I so very much hope you will watch.
I would most kindly ask that—in having watched it—you
would please, in your consideration, please leave comment down below.
Please know that I think about you so very often,
and wish you to feel wonderfully better.
For days of, ‘no pain’, or, certainly, much lessened pain, distress, or
despair.
I wish for you pleasant, happy days, surrounded by
those who love you for who you are; I wish for you quiet afternoons of pleasing
contemplation, free from need, want, or care.
I wish you be fully blessed, protected, and kept
safe. And nights of blissful repose,
free from interruption, and—as always—watched over by gentle angels.
And
please, please always know that I love you dearly!
‘Zahc’/Charles
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