| Aug 31 2011 |
08/31/11
My dearest friends and readers,
Please know that this is in no way the entry that I waned to share with you , today; but please forgive me, as, this triumverate of 'Lupus/Fibromyalia/ and Chronic Pain, knows no day, keeps no clock time, and manifests itself in spontaneous, weird, and inpredictable ways.
I awoke--this--morning, again sitting out at the kitchen counter; why THIS has become my favored doppingoff spot, still, it was 5:45 AM, much too early for me to stay up, and so--looking again at the clock--I decided to to go back to bed, as my C.N.A. is not due here until 10:30 AM to assist me with a much-needed shower, and clean clothes.
But I spontaneously awoke at 8:30, having to go to the bathroom, but in such an 'avalanche' of pain so coplete is its scale, and murderous, that it esd with great difficulty that I came out to the kitchen to say good morning to possibly, the best dog on the planet, and, with eyes have shut, lumbered over to the counter to take my morning medications, and--in most hopeful gratitude--one of my very last Dilaudid 4 mgs, trembling as I did so, praying that it--and prayer--would eventually stem the ever-rising tide of pain.
Such evident agony comes in a variety of disguises; there is pain that makes you quiet; pain that makes you humble; pain that makes you immobile; pain the depresses; and, pain that is so severe, it causes all of the above, AND had me sitting at the kitchen counter, wordless, mindless, inhuman, as I found myself rocking back and forth, frrling the throbbonh tattoo of a 'five-alarm' headache, and legs that I massaged, for it was an agony not specifically limited to one spot, but, rather to EVERY spot.
There is a pain that some--with teeth-grinding determination--can attempt to endure; there is also the pain that is not just pain, but a cellulal agony so severe and complete, that--now--even after having taken a pain pill ( and, I must admit to you, my dearest friends, that should I need...I will take another ), as I rocked back and forth, I kept mumbling repeated bits of prayer to y Savior, for help, help,help, forgiveness, and respite. And while I am ashamded to admit it, so lost was I in that agony, that I even cried out to my late mother and father , please, for help. For, even though I am 57, and alone, now, I will never forget their embraces and kisses, and for their strong arms, which encirled me to protect me, comfort me, and...to somehow, make everything 'altright'.
Of course, I am savagely sorry, and angry at myself, for somehow, not having the intestinal 'fortitude', to wait, and to try to ride it out.
Nature, as you well know, my friends and gentle readers, abhors a vacuum; and so, even if this rude hell retreats in any way, today, in will rush in a laxity of mind and spirit. For me, the day is shot, already; anything I had planned to do, will be most gladly given 'way to going back to bed--later, after my shower, and the visit from my medical Primary.
When my physical therapist arrives today at 4:30 PM, I will gamely try to get out, and walk, as I need to, but--today---frankly do not want to.
How much 'life' am I wasting ? How can I possibly hope to be of help to anyone, when I obviously cannot even help myself ?
For I truly hate this pain, which comes unbidden, that so completely robs me of my volition, and my humanity, rending me unable--even--to tell you what day it is today !
And, as the pain slowly, ever so slowly ebbs, as is my single heart's desire, it will leave in its place, a dullness, and a mind 'fog' that will cloud most of the day.
So, my mot dear and patient friends, about al I can give to you today, is that, should you be in a distress of pain, and depression, I KNOW your pain; for, in general, shared pain, is pain better understood; and to know hell, you have to taste hell, in all its fury.
So, please, please allow me--in closing--to wish for you better, and more 'pain-free' days, evenngs without discomfort, and nights of blissful rest, free of the oppression that is pain, and free of depression, and, despair. I wish this for you will all my heart.
Please, please, please do take care, my gentle friends and readers.
As always, much love and regards, 'Zahc/Charles'
My dearest friends and readers,
Please know that this is in no way the entry that I waned to share with you , today; but please forgive me, as, this triumverate of 'Lupus/Fibromyalia/ and Chronic Pain, knows no day, keeps no clock time, and manifests itself in spontaneous, weird, and inpredictable ways.
I awoke--this--morning, again sitting out at the kitchen counter; why THIS has become my favored doppingoff spot, still, it was 5:45 AM, much too early for me to stay up, and so--looking again at the clock--I decided to to go back to bed, as my C.N.A. is not due here until 10:30 AM to assist me with a much-needed shower, and clean clothes.
But I spontaneously awoke at 8:30, having to go to the bathroom, but in such an 'avalanche' of pain so coplete is its scale, and murderous, that it esd with great difficulty that I came out to the kitchen to say good morning to possibly, the best dog on the planet, and, with eyes have shut, lumbered over to the counter to take my morning medications, and--in most hopeful gratitude--one of my very last Dilaudid 4 mgs, trembling as I did so, praying that it--and prayer--would eventually stem the ever-rising tide of pain.
Such evident agony comes in a variety of disguises; there is pain that makes you quiet; pain that makes you humble; pain that makes you immobile; pain the depresses; and, pain that is so severe, it causes all of the above, AND had me sitting at the kitchen counter, wordless, mindless, inhuman, as I found myself rocking back and forth, frrling the throbbonh tattoo of a 'five-alarm' headache, and legs that I massaged, for it was an agony not specifically limited to one spot, but, rather to EVERY spot.
There is a pain that some--with teeth-grinding determination--can attempt to endure; there is also the pain that is not just pain, but a cellulal agony so severe and complete, that--now--even after having taken a pain pill ( and, I must admit to you, my dearest friends, that should I need...I will take another ), as I rocked back and forth, I kept mumbling repeated bits of prayer to y Savior, for help, help,help, forgiveness, and respite. And while I am ashamded to admit it, so lost was I in that agony, that I even cried out to my late mother and father , please, for help. For, even though I am 57, and alone, now, I will never forget their embraces and kisses, and for their strong arms, which encirled me to protect me, comfort me, and...to somehow, make everything 'altright'.
Of course, I am savagely sorry, and angry at myself, for somehow, not having the intestinal 'fortitude', to wait, and to try to ride it out.
Nature, as you well know, my friends and gentle readers, abhors a vacuum; and so, even if this rude hell retreats in any way, today, in will rush in a laxity of mind and spirit. For me, the day is shot, already; anything I had planned to do, will be most gladly given 'way to going back to bed--later, after my shower, and the visit from my medical Primary.
When my physical therapist arrives today at 4:30 PM, I will gamely try to get out, and walk, as I need to, but--today---frankly do not want to.
How much 'life' am I wasting ? How can I possibly hope to be of help to anyone, when I obviously cannot even help myself ?
For I truly hate this pain, which comes unbidden, that so completely robs me of my volition, and my humanity, rending me unable--even--to tell you what day it is today !
And, as the pain slowly, ever so slowly ebbs, as is my single heart's desire, it will leave in its place, a dullness, and a mind 'fog' that will cloud most of the day.
So, my mot dear and patient friends, about al I can give to you today, is that, should you be in a distress of pain, and depression, I KNOW your pain; for, in general, shared pain, is pain better understood; and to know hell, you have to taste hell, in all its fury.
So, please, please allow me--in closing--to wish for you better, and more 'pain-free' days, evenngs without discomfort, and nights of blissful rest, free of the oppression that is pain, and free of depression, and, despair. I wish this for you will all my heart.
Please, please, please do take care, my gentle friends and readers.
As always, much love and regards, 'Zahc/Charles'
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