| Aug 29 2011 |
08/29/11
Very early, this morning ( it being just past midnight ), I dutifully took my 'night' medications, and, a sleeping pill ( Ambien 10 mgs ), and--with the usual expectations ofa, 'wake-up-to-pee' call-- gratefully climbed in my freshly-made bed; for there is--for me, anyway--a great deal of comfort derived from; 1) being clean; 2) donning clean sleepwear, and; 3) slipping into a bed, that's been freshly made, with clean linens.
And so, with my dear dog curled up on the rug beside me, I managed to find that one, particular 'sweet spot', wherein I am at my most comfortable. And there, grew nicely warm and relaxed, and...in time, fell asleep.
After that, though, the night disintegrated into that stuff of what nightmare is composed. I knew that I did get up, to hit the bathroom, but the events after that are blurred, impossible with any fidelity to recall, and--frankly--awful, and horrendous.
My C.N.A. was supposed to telephone me at 10:00 AM, to come out for my shower, 'though, she never called. I was finally awakened at 11:30 by the nursing service I am registered with, and to be honest, I really don't remember much of what she had to say.
However, when I did awake, it was to not find myself safely abed, but, rather, out at the kitchen counter--again--with my head cradled in my arms, face down, with my long hair untied, and spread over me like a cowl, and my long beard, half- sticky with tons of dried slobber on it; I felt grimy, dissheveled, confused, and in now, in so much pain, that I could not, in faith identify any particular place that I hurt, but, if the many loci of pain were represented by L.E.D. lights, my body would look like one of those Christmas trees ( without the ornaments ! ) at Lowe's. I had a 'five alarm' headache, my poor legs ached unbearable from the mid-thighs down, from lack of elevation, and my eyes were simply glued shut, and the kitchen already seemed too bright to bear.
The house lights were still on, and my front door was wide open; how that happened, I don't know, but in an increasingly unsafe neighborhood, to leave the door open AND unlocked, is to invite peril.
I felt as if I have morphed into something monsterous, and was not the same person I was when I first went to bed; its like I had stepped back three pictures down on the evolution scale. How long I would have slept there, I have NO idea, but it took over an hour, before I vaguely even resembled being human.
In my pain, distress, and complete 'mind fog', I kept saying over and over and over again: "Oh ,please, dear God....either 'fix' me of 'finish' me off ", for at that time, I felt bestially horrible. And for those of you who subscribe to the famous, ' pain scale ', I was--in truth--an 8+, moving rapidly into a '9'. I do remember at one point, that in dropping to the counter, I hit my head upon it, and, somewhere, swept my out-stretched arm to sweep across the counter, knocking ahtray, glass of tea, and magazines to the floor.
My dearest friends and loyal readers, I ask of you; when did I make that uncertain transformation during the night ? Sitting out at the kitchen counter, leaning over to place head in arms, has seemed to become my 'second' bed.
I couldn't wait--hardly--to hastily pet the best dog on the planet, stumble back to take ( late ) my morning meds., and to make a serious cup of coffee to bring me around.
A good friend stopped by to see me, still, in my underwear and t-shirt, and, you know, I just didn't care; though at one time, long ago, such matters would have been important to me.
By the time I had truly shaken the night, and morning from me, it was 1:30 PM, and--for me--half the day had been shot. For while it is not ever been my habit to 'sleep walk', to not be able to remember anything really bothered, and scared me.
The only different thing I did do, was to take the full ten mgs. of Ambien instead of splitting the dose in half, as I usually do.
Out of clinical curiousity, I telephoned my Pharmacist, who told me that, yes, taking the full monty of Ambien would do that. that, and a resultant 'brain fog', that amounted to amnesia.
In the past, I have somehow gotten up to make a cup of coffee, only to conk-out again, while the stove burner glows red, and gets hotter, and hotter. That, my friends, is just dangerous. And, in having just that 'one' cigarette, have been known to drop it on the counter, or on me on its way to the floor, and I have burn holes in not a few of my t-shirts or pajamas. That is not only stupid, but extremely careless.
Please forgive me,my friends, for, while you may want to scream at me, please, please, I am feeling too fragile today to be 'fussed at'.
It is now 4:45 PM, and I dutifully donned shorts to take a walk with my physical therapist, but, the true return to reason came only but earlier, when I took my meds., and one of the few pain pills I have left, to wash it down with a beer.
You will doubtles know better, my dear readers, than I: just what DOES happen in the night, during which I am often whisked away on the brooms of witches into pure nightmare ? Should I put 'side rails' on my bed ? Should I leave out printed signs, telling me what to do ? For, while the 'brain burn ' is bad, the seemingly endless 'mind fog ' is worse.
And, tomorrow, even though I would love to make of it another, 'Me Day', I have to see my visiting medical Primary, and make myself upright, and honor-bright to be able to sit down, undisturbed, to try to pay bill, after bill, after bill, as they preclude any dawdling.
And so, my dear friends, and readers, I shall close as the clock moves towards five PM. I haven't yet eaten anything as--frankly--I feel too nauseated to tolerate even the thought of food.. And so....this evening will pass, as they all do, anymore, with nothing done to earn my keep as a member of the Human Race.
And while it sorrows me in ways you will never understand, perhaps, already, the pain is on the rise, and I find myself full of regrets as the 'wheel' of the world continues to turn, cruel only in its complete indifference.
So, please allow me to wish and hope for you, and me, and all, a 'pain-free' evening--free of despair--and a night of trully peaceful, and restorative sleep. All my love, 'Zahc/Charles'
Very early, this morning ( it being just past midnight ), I dutifully took my 'night' medications, and, a sleeping pill ( Ambien 10 mgs ), and--with the usual expectations ofa, 'wake-up-to-pee' call-- gratefully climbed in my freshly-made bed; for there is--for me, anyway--a great deal of comfort derived from; 1) being clean; 2) donning clean sleepwear, and; 3) slipping into a bed, that's been freshly made, with clean linens.
And so, with my dear dog curled up on the rug beside me, I managed to find that one, particular 'sweet spot', wherein I am at my most comfortable. And there, grew nicely warm and relaxed, and...in time, fell asleep.
After that, though, the night disintegrated into that stuff of what nightmare is composed. I knew that I did get up, to hit the bathroom, but the events after that are blurred, impossible with any fidelity to recall, and--frankly--awful, and horrendous.
My C.N.A. was supposed to telephone me at 10:00 AM, to come out for my shower, 'though, she never called. I was finally awakened at 11:30 by the nursing service I am registered with, and to be honest, I really don't remember much of what she had to say.
However, when I did awake, it was to not find myself safely abed, but, rather, out at the kitchen counter--again--with my head cradled in my arms, face down, with my long hair untied, and spread over me like a cowl, and my long beard, half- sticky with tons of dried slobber on it; I felt grimy, dissheveled, confused, and in now, in so much pain, that I could not, in faith identify any particular place that I hurt, but, if the many loci of pain were represented by L.E.D. lights, my body would look like one of those Christmas trees ( without the ornaments ! ) at Lowe's. I had a 'five alarm' headache, my poor legs ached unbearable from the mid-thighs down, from lack of elevation, and my eyes were simply glued shut, and the kitchen already seemed too bright to bear.
The house lights were still on, and my front door was wide open; how that happened, I don't know, but in an increasingly unsafe neighborhood, to leave the door open AND unlocked, is to invite peril.
I felt as if I have morphed into something monsterous, and was not the same person I was when I first went to bed; its like I had stepped back three pictures down on the evolution scale. How long I would have slept there, I have NO idea, but it took over an hour, before I vaguely even resembled being human.
In my pain, distress, and complete 'mind fog', I kept saying over and over and over again: "Oh ,please, dear God....either 'fix' me of 'finish' me off ", for at that time, I felt bestially horrible. And for those of you who subscribe to the famous, ' pain scale ', I was--in truth--an 8+, moving rapidly into a '9'. I do remember at one point, that in dropping to the counter, I hit my head upon it, and, somewhere, swept my out-stretched arm to sweep across the counter, knocking ahtray, glass of tea, and magazines to the floor.
My dearest friends and loyal readers, I ask of you; when did I make that uncertain transformation during the night ? Sitting out at the kitchen counter, leaning over to place head in arms, has seemed to become my 'second' bed.
I couldn't wait--hardly--to hastily pet the best dog on the planet, stumble back to take ( late ) my morning meds., and to make a serious cup of coffee to bring me around.
A good friend stopped by to see me, still, in my underwear and t-shirt, and, you know, I just didn't care; though at one time, long ago, such matters would have been important to me.
By the time I had truly shaken the night, and morning from me, it was 1:30 PM, and--for me--half the day had been shot. For while it is not ever been my habit to 'sleep walk', to not be able to remember anything really bothered, and scared me.
The only different thing I did do, was to take the full ten mgs. of Ambien instead of splitting the dose in half, as I usually do.
Out of clinical curiousity, I telephoned my Pharmacist, who told me that, yes, taking the full monty of Ambien would do that. that, and a resultant 'brain fog', that amounted to amnesia.
In the past, I have somehow gotten up to make a cup of coffee, only to conk-out again, while the stove burner glows red, and gets hotter, and hotter. That, my friends, is just dangerous. And, in having just that 'one' cigarette, have been known to drop it on the counter, or on me on its way to the floor, and I have burn holes in not a few of my t-shirts or pajamas. That is not only stupid, but extremely careless.
Please forgive me,my friends, for, while you may want to scream at me, please, please, I am feeling too fragile today to be 'fussed at'.
It is now 4:45 PM, and I dutifully donned shorts to take a walk with my physical therapist, but, the true return to reason came only but earlier, when I took my meds., and one of the few pain pills I have left, to wash it down with a beer.
You will doubtles know better, my dear readers, than I: just what DOES happen in the night, during which I am often whisked away on the brooms of witches into pure nightmare ? Should I put 'side rails' on my bed ? Should I leave out printed signs, telling me what to do ? For, while the 'brain burn ' is bad, the seemingly endless 'mind fog ' is worse.
And, tomorrow, even though I would love to make of it another, 'Me Day', I have to see my visiting medical Primary, and make myself upright, and honor-bright to be able to sit down, undisturbed, to try to pay bill, after bill, after bill, as they preclude any dawdling.
And so, my dear friends, and readers, I shall close as the clock moves towards five PM. I haven't yet eaten anything as--frankly--I feel too nauseated to tolerate even the thought of food.. And so....this evening will pass, as they all do, anymore, with nothing done to earn my keep as a member of the Human Race.
And while it sorrows me in ways you will never understand, perhaps, already, the pain is on the rise, and I find myself full of regrets as the 'wheel' of the world continues to turn, cruel only in its complete indifference.
So, please allow me to wish and hope for you, and me, and all, a 'pain-free' evening--free of despair--and a night of trully peaceful, and restorative sleep. All my love, 'Zahc/Charles'
No comments:
Post a Comment