| Aug 18 2011 |
08/18/11
My very dear friends, pleasse forgive and excuse me if I an of an unaccustomed brevity today; for I am in such complete and 'global' agony of pain, that I can bearly stand it...and this, after dosing and re-dosing myself into oblivion, not wise--perhaps--but often--in search of some relief--wisdom, and common sense are both readily abandoned. The, "Fresh Hell", I mention, referd to some now unremembered quote of Shakespeare ( boy, that 'Willy-boy' certainly knew where to put pen to paper ! ), while I, on the other hand, am in a pain daze, and a mind fog that has rendered my useless.
Think of that old joke, in re: rushed, and to hurried Europen Tours, to wit: "Twenty cities in twelve days !". For today, that would be a most apt analogy, as during these 'fare-ups', calendar ( and sometimes clock ! ) time remains a mystery; I knew--for example--that I had an apointment--this morning--to see my Shrink, but was in so much pain upon awakening, that today ( Thursday ) might as well be any other day at all; it made that little difference. And so, it was probably only the mark on the calendar of today's visit that told me that is was--and is, do far, Thursday.
For me--at least--the traditional pain scale of 1-10 means nothing; it is so abstract a concept that, although I fully know that care-providers need something to which to compare relative values, the scale might as well be from 1-100, or 1-1,000. As an abstract, and completely subject model, it requires us in a most simplified form to conjugate our pain; how can I do that whenever I, 'hurt', all over, in varied places, and to different extents. There--eventually--is reached a level of pain so complete, so debilitating, so unbearable, that it simply CANNOT be quantified, at least until there are such discriminating assays, to reckon pain down to the cellular level. And, 'FYI', I am never beneath a 4.5 ( yes, I decimalize it ). Or, how about 4.75 ?
If possible, it would probably be much easier to cataloge what ,' doesn't ', hurt. And, that would still prove difficult, for as I my have mentioned before, such an almost infinity of pain is much like a restaurant's salad bar, but only if it were a thousand miles long; pain is the salad. The medications are but an offering of salad dressings to go on top.
Sometimes, these ,'super nova', flare-ups evidence pain in the strangest places.
Today, for example, my right eye won't function If you have ever experienced pain to such a degree that even your very eyelashes hurt, then you will know what I mean; it felt as though my eyeball had been ripped from its socket, and then savaged by razor blades, and then, replaced. All I had in the house by way of eye drops, was a six-month old prescription for antibiotic drops, which when uncapped, and applied, were not as usual eye drops, but of a consistentcy of pancake syrup, which promptly glued my right eye shut. So that now, in addtion to the pain that blurred my vision, I functionallly have no depth perception, yet, the eye pain continues. And...its odd.
A neighbor Lady--whom I have seen in months--sudenly came by for a brief visit; its the first human company I've had in the house for days ? Weeks ? And while she interrupted my little, 'choo-choo train of thought', it was nice to have company again; she is almost eighty, and her husband is nearly eighty-three, and both of them now have health problems. Gosh...I realized that I have known them for twenty-six years !, and that--before--they were friends with my late mother and father. None of us get out much, me, least of all, I think, as this utter pain, and the agoraphobia makes of me a willing, and unwilling prisoner in my own nome; every day is like being on 'house arest'.
So...how do I cope with that which seems un-copable ? Do I cope? Can I cope ? Do I even HAVE any coping skills left ? Mostly, these are strategies, and little games I play in order to just survive. Everything comes with a price tag attached. For the medications I take for pain, and for other maladies are most welcome if they manage to bring even some respite ( for, without it, I would surely lose my mind ), they also dumb me down, make me listless and irksome, and cranky, and with a head that feels as if stuffed with cotton, not wanting to think, or move, or to be disturbed.
The Apocalypse of Lupus/Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain/Chronic Fatigue/Anxiety/Panic/Depresssion, and Despair, and much more cause intense pain, leaving me forgetful, unattached, goofy, even, almost incapable of recognizing immediate needs, as profound as : am I hungry ? What did I last eat...and when ? And, often, there is a large part of me that just simply does not give even the first part of a good damn. Is it hunger pains, or just nausia ?
What I DO find I am beginning to do more often, is to seek out friends at MDJunction, for posted hugs, and kind messages, for--in truth--I find they sustain me. It is with them that I can openly share both hopes and horrors; I hope to celebrate their triumphs, and--perhaps--give comfort to them in their defeats. This is the very least I can do, both for them, and....myself. For the hand that is extended in friendship, can often be the very hand that steadies.
And so, my dear friends, and colleagues at MDJunction, please let me close for now.
I cannot know what pain tomorrow will bring, or even how to survive the evening until an uncertain bed, I can still wish all of you well, and pain-free days, and, peaceful, and undisturbed nights, as well as wishing for you much happiness, as well as a mutually found sense of rightness and serenity.
So--as always--please, please take care. Love, 'Zahc'
My very dear friends, pleasse forgive and excuse me if I an of an unaccustomed brevity today; for I am in such complete and 'global' agony of pain, that I can bearly stand it...and this, after dosing and re-dosing myself into oblivion, not wise--perhaps--but often--in search of some relief--wisdom, and common sense are both readily abandoned. The, "Fresh Hell", I mention, referd to some now unremembered quote of Shakespeare ( boy, that 'Willy-boy' certainly knew where to put pen to paper ! ), while I, on the other hand, am in a pain daze, and a mind fog that has rendered my useless.
Think of that old joke, in re: rushed, and to hurried Europen Tours, to wit: "Twenty cities in twelve days !". For today, that would be a most apt analogy, as during these 'fare-ups', calendar ( and sometimes clock ! ) time remains a mystery; I knew--for example--that I had an apointment--this morning--to see my Shrink, but was in so much pain upon awakening, that today ( Thursday ) might as well be any other day at all; it made that little difference. And so, it was probably only the mark on the calendar of today's visit that told me that is was--and is, do far, Thursday.
For me--at least--the traditional pain scale of 1-10 means nothing; it is so abstract a concept that, although I fully know that care-providers need something to which to compare relative values, the scale might as well be from 1-100, or 1-1,000. As an abstract, and completely subject model, it requires us in a most simplified form to conjugate our pain; how can I do that whenever I, 'hurt', all over, in varied places, and to different extents. There--eventually--is reached a level of pain so complete, so debilitating, so unbearable, that it simply CANNOT be quantified, at least until there are such discriminating assays, to reckon pain down to the cellular level. And, 'FYI', I am never beneath a 4.5 ( yes, I decimalize it ). Or, how about 4.75 ?
If possible, it would probably be much easier to cataloge what ,' doesn't ', hurt. And, that would still prove difficult, for as I my have mentioned before, such an almost infinity of pain is much like a restaurant's salad bar, but only if it were a thousand miles long; pain is the salad. The medications are but an offering of salad dressings to go on top.
Sometimes, these ,'super nova', flare-ups evidence pain in the strangest places.
Today, for example, my right eye won't function If you have ever experienced pain to such a degree that even your very eyelashes hurt, then you will know what I mean; it felt as though my eyeball had been ripped from its socket, and then savaged by razor blades, and then, replaced. All I had in the house by way of eye drops, was a six-month old prescription for antibiotic drops, which when uncapped, and applied, were not as usual eye drops, but of a consistentcy of pancake syrup, which promptly glued my right eye shut. So that now, in addtion to the pain that blurred my vision, I functionallly have no depth perception, yet, the eye pain continues. And...its odd.
A neighbor Lady--whom I have seen in months--sudenly came by for a brief visit; its the first human company I've had in the house for days ? Weeks ? And while she interrupted my little, 'choo-choo train of thought', it was nice to have company again; she is almost eighty, and her husband is nearly eighty-three, and both of them now have health problems. Gosh...I realized that I have known them for twenty-six years !, and that--before--they were friends with my late mother and father. None of us get out much, me, least of all, I think, as this utter pain, and the agoraphobia makes of me a willing, and unwilling prisoner in my own nome; every day is like being on 'house arest'.
So...how do I cope with that which seems un-copable ? Do I cope? Can I cope ? Do I even HAVE any coping skills left ? Mostly, these are strategies, and little games I play in order to just survive. Everything comes with a price tag attached. For the medications I take for pain, and for other maladies are most welcome if they manage to bring even some respite ( for, without it, I would surely lose my mind ), they also dumb me down, make me listless and irksome, and cranky, and with a head that feels as if stuffed with cotton, not wanting to think, or move, or to be disturbed.
The Apocalypse of Lupus/Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain/Chronic Fatigue/Anxiety/Panic/Depresssion, and Despair, and much more cause intense pain, leaving me forgetful, unattached, goofy, even, almost incapable of recognizing immediate needs, as profound as : am I hungry ? What did I last eat...and when ? And, often, there is a large part of me that just simply does not give even the first part of a good damn. Is it hunger pains, or just nausia ?
What I DO find I am beginning to do more often, is to seek out friends at MDJunction, for posted hugs, and kind messages, for--in truth--I find they sustain me. It is with them that I can openly share both hopes and horrors; I hope to celebrate their triumphs, and--perhaps--give comfort to them in their defeats. This is the very least I can do, both for them, and....myself. For the hand that is extended in friendship, can often be the very hand that steadies.
And so, my dear friends, and colleagues at MDJunction, please let me close for now.
I cannot know what pain tomorrow will bring, or even how to survive the evening until an uncertain bed, I can still wish all of you well, and pain-free days, and, peaceful, and undisturbed nights, as well as wishing for you much happiness, as well as a mutually found sense of rightness and serenity.
So--as always--please, please take care. Love, 'Zahc'
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