| Feb 11 2012 |
‘ The Pain That Was Mine, The Darkness, And The Hope ‘
By
Shawn
‘ The Hope', Part III of III
02/11/12But, amid and beyond this evil, I saw a small candle flickering; though it was being crushed in all that hatred and pain-still-its small flame shown.
It was just a candle but it, too, seemed to beckon me. " Just a little farther, Shawn, just a step or two more." It seemed to me that God was that candle, and I began to run faster, ever toward it, saying what prayers I could.
In the light of that one candle, I felt I'd be safe, and in its light, all evil would be banished, and could never harm me.
Beyond that candle came stars in the sky, each one, a blessed soul who would welcome me.
I knew safety and love. In that moment I knew forgiveness and healing, and a joy I never really knew existed.
Echoing voices said, " We love you Shawn, " and a voice that filled the universe at last said, " Welcome home ."
It radiated such love and compassion, that it was too much to bear, yet, I knew I never wanted to leave it.
I was healed and made finally whole. Gone was all the depression and uncertainty. Gone was the pain and despair.
As I move further and further into that light, perhaps one day, I too will shine like a star, and will be able to welcome you, my dear, dear family, and hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how very much I love you, and...will do so for all time.
END
To my dear, dear friends, and constant, ever-loyal readers, who are a pure and undistilled delight to me, for which I am ever grateful, in too many ways to count, and to whom I can never, in near-full measure convey my joy and thanks, I particularly wanted to share with you all three parts of ‘Shawn's note, that I wrote for his family; not for any desire for accolades, nor approval ( as, each of us has our own thoughts regarding suicide, and its effect upon those who must survive its devastation and potential consequence ), nor personal opinion, though you well-know how much your kind criticism and comments mean to me.
Rather, that-in this instance-there was no ‘me' involved; only to the extent of providing comfort to the family, and to, perhaps show, that there is an emotion that sometimes equals Love, or, exceeds it: and that, my dearest friends is ‘Hope'.
For, without ‘hope', even the purest and most steadfast Love might falter.
I think of you so often, my dearest friends, and, even as I wish you well, I remain concerned about you always.
Like so many of you, I-too-have known such bleak and dark depression, that, at times, seemed to close around me, suffocating me in a totality of unbearable pain and despair; and while I am on medication for this, and have been on it for years...still, the depression weighed down upon me, until, all I wanted was escape, no matter what the cost.
Since you, and your welfare have found solace in my heart, still I urge you most plaintively: while sometimes, such vile, and evil depression must run its course, please, oh please do not let it so engulf you until suicide seems the only way out; really, only YOU can prevent it; seek help immediately; seek out friends; clergy; MDJunction friends; professional help, with treatment, counseling, or medication therapy; for you are too precious, far, far too precious to ever lose.
Or, for that matter, someone you know, or someone you are close to, or love.
Don't let them just slip away-like Shawn-without some sort of attempt at intervention.
Please permit me to perhaps put this in another way: I am now fifty-eight years old; and though many of my days are heralded by a hundred agonies, yet, since I yet live, I find singular, sundry, and many reasons to go on: learning something I had previously never known; some sight of rare, and elegiac beauty; some bit of song, or poem, half-remembered; a time to rest while thinking countless thoughts: surely, they ALL do not have to be enmeshed in daily pain.
There are certain, wondrous mysteries that might reveal themselves to me...tomorrow, that might go unrevealed, today.
Something that surely I would miss otherwise.
Now, dearest friends, while I can appreciate that sovereign control that we have, often, in determining the lengths of our lives, and that, for some, suicide remains the ultimate, ‘ Get Out OF Jail Free ‘ card, please also keep in mind that when I ‘wrote' Shawn's note, I was fifty-five, and he was but sixteen, an almost forty-year difference in our ages, that would incline me to believe that-perhaps-a sixteen year old might not have been able ( mentally, or physically ) to fully consider all the consequences of his actions.
But, truly, since I could not ‘peek' inside his, or, really, anyone else's mind, I therefore, cannot determine neither his mood, nor mindset.
Only that, at its most base, although Shawn's problems may have effectively ended when he hanged himself ( ? ), for the questioning, devastated and lost family he left behind, their problems just began, with feelings of guilt, blame, anger, sorrow, grief, and with questions-now-that can never be answered.
And so, my very, dearest friends, please allow me to close by ever wishing for you days of lessened or of ‘no pain'; quiet, beautiful days, and experiences of the wonders of Nature; afternoons of contemplation, and fond regard; evenings free from illness, or loss, surrounded by those who love you absolutely for yourselves, and balmy, quiet, dreamy nights, free from want or despair; blissful, and unbroken sleep...the kind that invigorates and restores.
And, please know I love you dearly,
‘Zahc/Charles'
By
Shawn
‘ The Hope', Part III of III
02/11/12But, amid and beyond this evil, I saw a small candle flickering; though it was being crushed in all that hatred and pain-still-its small flame shown.
It was just a candle but it, too, seemed to beckon me. " Just a little farther, Shawn, just a step or two more." It seemed to me that God was that candle, and I began to run faster, ever toward it, saying what prayers I could.
In the light of that one candle, I felt I'd be safe, and in its light, all evil would be banished, and could never harm me.
Beyond that candle came stars in the sky, each one, a blessed soul who would welcome me.
I knew safety and love. In that moment I knew forgiveness and healing, and a joy I never really knew existed.
Echoing voices said, " We love you Shawn, " and a voice that filled the universe at last said, " Welcome home ."
It radiated such love and compassion, that it was too much to bear, yet, I knew I never wanted to leave it.
I was healed and made finally whole. Gone was all the depression and uncertainty. Gone was the pain and despair.
As I move further and further into that light, perhaps one day, I too will shine like a star, and will be able to welcome you, my dear, dear family, and hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how very much I love you, and...will do so for all time.
END
To my dear, dear friends, and constant, ever-loyal readers, who are a pure and undistilled delight to me, for which I am ever grateful, in too many ways to count, and to whom I can never, in near-full measure convey my joy and thanks, I particularly wanted to share with you all three parts of ‘Shawn's note, that I wrote for his family; not for any desire for accolades, nor approval ( as, each of us has our own thoughts regarding suicide, and its effect upon those who must survive its devastation and potential consequence ), nor personal opinion, though you well-know how much your kind criticism and comments mean to me.
Rather, that-in this instance-there was no ‘me' involved; only to the extent of providing comfort to the family, and to, perhaps show, that there is an emotion that sometimes equals Love, or, exceeds it: and that, my dearest friends is ‘Hope'.
For, without ‘hope', even the purest and most steadfast Love might falter.
I think of you so often, my dearest friends, and, even as I wish you well, I remain concerned about you always.
Like so many of you, I-too-have known such bleak and dark depression, that, at times, seemed to close around me, suffocating me in a totality of unbearable pain and despair; and while I am on medication for this, and have been on it for years...still, the depression weighed down upon me, until, all I wanted was escape, no matter what the cost.
Since you, and your welfare have found solace in my heart, still I urge you most plaintively: while sometimes, such vile, and evil depression must run its course, please, oh please do not let it so engulf you until suicide seems the only way out; really, only YOU can prevent it; seek help immediately; seek out friends; clergy; MDJunction friends; professional help, with treatment, counseling, or medication therapy; for you are too precious, far, far too precious to ever lose.
Or, for that matter, someone you know, or someone you are close to, or love.
Don't let them just slip away-like Shawn-without some sort of attempt at intervention.
Please permit me to perhaps put this in another way: I am now fifty-eight years old; and though many of my days are heralded by a hundred agonies, yet, since I yet live, I find singular, sundry, and many reasons to go on: learning something I had previously never known; some sight of rare, and elegiac beauty; some bit of song, or poem, half-remembered; a time to rest while thinking countless thoughts: surely, they ALL do not have to be enmeshed in daily pain.
There are certain, wondrous mysteries that might reveal themselves to me...tomorrow, that might go unrevealed, today.
Something that surely I would miss otherwise.
Now, dearest friends, while I can appreciate that sovereign control that we have, often, in determining the lengths of our lives, and that, for some, suicide remains the ultimate, ‘ Get Out OF Jail Free ‘ card, please also keep in mind that when I ‘wrote' Shawn's note, I was fifty-five, and he was but sixteen, an almost forty-year difference in our ages, that would incline me to believe that-perhaps-a sixteen year old might not have been able ( mentally, or physically ) to fully consider all the consequences of his actions.
But, truly, since I could not ‘peek' inside his, or, really, anyone else's mind, I therefore, cannot determine neither his mood, nor mindset.
Only that, at its most base, although Shawn's problems may have effectively ended when he hanged himself ( ? ), for the questioning, devastated and lost family he left behind, their problems just began, with feelings of guilt, blame, anger, sorrow, grief, and with questions-now-that can never be answered.
And so, my very, dearest friends, please allow me to close by ever wishing for you days of lessened or of ‘no pain'; quiet, beautiful days, and experiences of the wonders of Nature; afternoons of contemplation, and fond regard; evenings free from illness, or loss, surrounded by those who love you absolutely for yourselves, and balmy, quiet, dreamy nights, free from want or despair; blissful, and unbroken sleep...the kind that invigorates and restores.
And, please know I love you dearly,
‘Zahc/Charles'
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