' My Very Dearest, Wonderful Friends, A 'Life' Test For You...'

‘ My Very Dearest, Wonderful Friends, A ‘Life’ Test For You: Is There A ‘Balance In Your Life? ‘

04/11/12

One morning at about 5:00 AM, with my hair undone, and sprawled over my head which was cradled in my arms, I—once again—awoke in an utter agony of pain, sitting out at the kitchen counter; I did not reach full consciousness easily, but resisted it with all my sense of purpose.  My eyes were blurry, almost glued shut, keeping tempi with my heartbeat as my head thrummed in a migraine so severe that I felt red-faced, and sweaty.  It almost seemed as if I had been dragged awake in jagged stages, to find myself in such a totality of pain, that I began to rock back and forth as I sat there, tears, slowly running down my face, and over sinuses, and a nose that was clogged with congestion.

My voice was capable of making only aching, animal-like sounds, and from my illnesses—and, having spent most of the night in an office chair in a kitchen whose lights were suddenly too bright, they hurt my eyes.  At that moment, I could not pause to rationally assay the seeming limitless of my pain.  And yet, to try to somehow, reclaiming my scattered thoughts, I allowed the pain to tear through me, as every muscle and joint resonated with pain, and I imagine all bodily systems were as impaired.

Quickly, I lumbered over to where I keep my pain medication, and took extra the ordered dose, because—at that point—I did not care, and…DO not care, when faced with such an thorough assemblage of utter pain, as long as I do not use up my prescriptions too soon, if they can instill some often brief relief, I will thus take them, leaving consequence, and consideration, until some more-relaxed time.

To me, there is no 1—10 pain scale; there is either a regular amount of pain that I can bear, to that which most effectively reduces me to an ‘animal state’ of pure reaction.

But, my very, very dearest friends, and ever kind and constant readers, while I was waiting for the coffee to be made—in an ‘adult’ attempt to shrug-away the suffering; while sipping on a reflective, and steaming hot cup of coffee, holding yet another cigarette in trembling hands, as the pain medications slowly, ever slowly brought down ( but did not eliminate!) by mind and body’s global agony, not six feet away from me, was my dog Daisy, sleeping on the living room rug, her whispered exhalations letting me know that she was sound asleep, and who occasionally has pain of her own; here was the dog who had adopted my late mother and I some twelve years ago, who had decided to extend her trust to us, rather than to a mongrel’s brief, and uncertain life, to enlist us in her own, small ‘pack’, and, for times both good and bad, was on the day of her arrival, committing self to carefully guard her ‘humans’.

I suddenly experienced a rush of love for her; that she had dutifully followed me sometime during the night from the ease and comfort of the bedroom carpet, two feet from me, to follow me out to the kitchen, to stay with me, be with me, for, even if her silly ‘human’ wants to leave the warmth, and comfort of the bed—behind—to seek my rest, instead out in the kitchen then—to her—I must have had an important reason for doing so, and so kept me in her snoring sight to ever be close to me.  And, for that, I was suddenly grateful.

I realize that those at MDJunction come from many ages, and many, different complaints, yet, we still have a few things in common:

1)           That very curiosity that makes us Human.

2)            The pains and losses and despairs we share, as:

3)           In having such unutterably pain, we seek to know ‘why?’, and ‘where?’, and how much?’.

4)            As social creatures, even in our worst conditions, we still seek those at MDJunction, and, elsewhere, with whom we can bond, and share our complaints, knowing that MDJ—by and large—is a ‘safe zone’, in which no judgmental, nor negative comments will be offered; that only hope will  attend our frail, and inchoate searchings.

5)           There is no cure, and so, we look to others to see how they manage and ‘get by’, despite crippling pain.

6)           How often at this site, have we found compassion, support, and care too often denied us in life, when there is often no one else to care; or can care; or even hope to care?

7)           We all come to the table offering different ages, lifestyles, and circumstances. Often—though-- we are self-deluded, trapped, by, ‘can’t; won’t; couldn’t; shouldn’t’, to which I would ask you for a while to change—and consider instead, ‘can; will; could; and should.’

And while many times, I have heard (or said myself!), our illnesses and our suffering somehow draws a line across the sand of all our hopes, aspirations, dreams, desires, yet I would kindly ask you to consider—for a moment—my erred paraphrasing of the late Socio/Humanist Philosopher, Joseph Campbell, who once said that, were we to look back upon the events of our lives, close and bias-free, we might see a most discrete line—as fine as spider web—that would seem to reject all randomness to reveal a chart or path that would appear to have some, linked-together, and purposeful path, that somehow had meaning, truth, and beauty to it.

What I am asking of you, my dearest friends, is to take some much-needed quiet time (hopefully when pains are reduced, lest they pollute the scale), and with honesty and sincerity, evaluate your life to this hour, this minute, this very second.  Think of it as a something of a ‘Life Quiz’; for which you’ll need a lined tablet, and a reliable pen.  I have not, will not ask you to consider religion, or lack of it, for the true responsibility of ‘tending’ to your spirituality is unique, and much your own business; neither—for the same reason—am I interested in your politics, or of your ‘global’ opinion…for that is

yours and yours alone.  The assay I want you to take is more simplistic, more basic, and—perhaps—more about ‘fun’, than ‘fundamentals’.

Upon this tablet, I want you to draw a line down the center; label by number, if you so choose; one column titled ‘X’, and, the second, title ‘O’.  For what I am truly asking you to do is to make an evaluation of your lives, filled with both good and bad occurrences.

For every ‘yes’, you may—as you’d like—to place under each heading, an ‘ X’; and for every ‘no’, perhaps an ’ O ‘.

Remember, please that this not a scientific, to-be-published work; it is not professional in any way, but is based loosely on insurance actuality tables, some, little past experience, and personal observation these past forty years, and some twenty+years as a health care provider, with some reference to my work and degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences.  And so, I must confess to you, my very dearest friends, that a lot of thought went into these questions.

And while the questions might seem either odd or inappropriate, I do believe that they impact our daily lives, but that the ‘Quiz’ is both casual and arbitrary.

All it involves is that you be rigorously honest with yourself, in marking both ‘X’s’, and ‘O’s’. Should a question not apply, just skip over it to the next.

The goal is to give you (in totaling both the ‘X’s’, and the ‘O’s’), a rough look at the balance in your life; obviously—then, in general—the more ‘X’s’ that you add up, the better.  But having ‘O’s’, does not in any way imply that you are somehow a ‘bad’ or ‘deficient’ person.  Only YOU will be able to ascertain any areas of your life that need changing.

The questions that I shall pose come in no certain order, nor of magnitude.  What started my consideration was that morning I awoke in so much pain…yet, beyond me was my dog Daisy, who loved me unconditionally.

 In addition, in order to make the questions answerable with both, ‘X’s’, and ‘O’s’, most—perforce—are ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions; for those questions that have deeper roots, I gladly leave them to you.  For, inside your very secret heart of hearts will you find other answers should you but seek them.

I asking for this ‘review’ of you, of course it is not scientific in any way, and, I must confess to you—dearest friends—that I seek answers for myself, and much as for you.  Alright.  Comfortable?  Quiet? Ready to go?  If so, please

let us kindly commence.  Remember, take your time, taking breaks as you may want them.

1)           Do you live alone? Give one ‘ O ‘.

2)           If you live with others, are you happy with the arrangement? If yes, one ‘X ‘; if no, one, ‘ O ’.

3)           Do you have a pet? If yes, one ‘ X’; if not place a ‘O’in the appropriate column.

4)           If you have up to three pets, one ‘ X ‘.

5)           If you have over five pets, one ‘ O ‘.

6)           Do you have children with criminal records? Or, in re-hab.? Or, in endless trouble? One ‘ O ‘, for each child.

7)           Do you have children who obey the law, are—in general—considerate and loving? One ‘ X ‘, for each child.

8)           In the past five years, have you had more than one relationship? Place a ‘O’ there.

9)           If you have had no relationships in that time, give two ‘O’s’.

10)   If—in the past five years—you have had only one relationship, ‘X’;

11)   If—in the past ten years—you have had only one relationship, mark two ‘X’s’.

12)   Would you consider your current relationship to be abusive in any way?  Place a ‘O’ there.

13)   If you are currently trying to escape from an abusive situation? Mark down an ‘X’.

14)   If you have successfully escaped from an abusive relationship, and are no longer abused, write down three ‘ X’s’.

My very, very dearest friends…please note that I have—after a long, soul-search—included relationships that are abusive, or that have become toxic; it is in NO way my intention to make light of, or, in any way make less serious, and often, life-threatening abusive relationships can be.  Nor, is it my goal to in any way attempt to lessen the pernicious EVIL that is abuse. NO ONE deserves to be abused…whether spouses, children…or pets.  I cannot help but laud the bravery of those who seek to escape from such relationships; I hope that my past stance on abuse will speak for me.  Neither do I think that the penalties for abuse are strong enough, nor are the vital resources needed are as established and available as should they be, to help those trying to end abuse.

But, after much thought, I decided to include it here, as it is a demonstrable, though lamentable part of Life, and—as such—could not be readily ignored, and…it does impact most severely the lives of those who are abused.  While I am seeking to provide a rough ‘live’ examination to you, and to all my constant, loyal readers, we all—nevertheless—have a distinct obligation to use our minds and hearts, and souls to report abuse whenever it is seen.  I apologize from my heart if I have offended anyone reading this, and hope you will see my meaning as if pertains to this entry, and this entry alone.

 15) Do you have a running car, a reliable source of transportation?  If yes, place an ‘ X ‘.  If not, place an ‘O .’

16) For every, major credit card you have that is maxed out, place an ‘ O ‘.  For every one

you have—that currently—you have a charged balance less than 35% of your credit limit, place an ‘X ‘.

17) Do you have a savings account? If yes, place an ‘X’.

18) If you have more than $150.00 in savings, place an ‘X’.

19) If you own your own home outright, mark down two, ‘X’s’.

20) If you are able to make mortgage payments, or rent, on time, ‘X’.

21) If you have trouble making these payments, ‘O’.

22) If—this past week—you, or you family has had to miss a major meal owing to finances: ‘O’, for every meal.

23) Do you smoke? ‘O’

24) If you do not smoke: ‘X’.

25) Are you considered overweight ? If yes, then ‘O’; if no, then, ‘X’.

26) If you eat 1-2 servings of fish a week, mark an ‘X’; if not, mark a ‘O’.

27) If you are on prescription medications and take them as ordered, regularly, write in an ‘X’; if you cannot afford them; or forget doses, or just skip them, mark a ‘O’.

28) Do you have health insurance? ‘X’; if not, mark ‘O’.

29) Do you see a Primary or Pain Management physician at least once a month?: ‘X’; if not, mark with a ‘O’.

30) How many very close, caring, and reliable friends do you have? For each friend, mark an ‘X’.

31) If you feel you do not have friends, please write two ‘O’s’.

32) Do you routinely sleep from 6-9 hours every night (you may also want to consider naps ), ‘X’

33) Do you often have trouble sleeping, or sleep less than 6 hours a night, ‘O’.

34) Do you sleep more than 12-14 hours a day? Mark down two ‘O’s’.

35) If you have grandchildren who live locally, can you see them without difficulty, or parental consent? Place an ‘X’ for every yes, ‘O’ for every no.

36) Do you have any religious affiliations, or believe in a ‘higher power’? Put ‘X’ for yes, ‘O’ for no.

37) Do you pray fairly regularly? ‘X’

38) If you pray, do you pray for yourself more, or others more? If yourself, ‘O’; if for others: ‘X’.

39) In any given week, how many times do you tell someone you love them?

      A. fives time a week or daily, five ‘X’s’;

         B. two to four times a week, two’X’s’;

         C. One time a week, ‘X’;

         D. Rarely, if ever, or never, three, ‘O’s’.

40) What is your ‘usual’ pain level?

       A. 7—10, on a ten point scale:  four ‘O’s’;

       B. 5—7+, three ‘O’s.

       C. 3—5, two ‘O’s’

       D. 1—3, one ‘O’.

       E. My pain level is always around ‘2’ or less; is controlled by my medication; or I can bear it. ‘X’.

41) In general, I am happy: ‘X’

42) In general I am sad: ‘O’.

43) I think of death a lot: five ‘O’s’.

Again, my very dearest friends, while we all occasionally contemplate mortality, to think about it constantly warrants immediate intervention, either by self, or by concerned family members; while I included it here, as sort of a general guide to self-feelings, morbid, repetitive thoughts of death, or of potential self-harm, should be treated by a professional Therapist of Psychiatrist at once. Behaviors that might be demonstrated for a family member or a friend to see include, but are not limited to: 1) isolation; 2) verbal expressions; 3) a depression that seems unrelieved, or worsens; 4) nightmare; 5) paradoxical behavior strange to the individual, whether in speaking, dressing, a sudden lack of interest in former interests; 6) inattention to hygiene; 7) too much sleep, and the inability to want to wake up; 8) if on prescription medications, taking them erratically, or too frequently; 9) the abuse of alcohol, and/or other abused substances; 10) secretiveness, or hiding behavior.

Please do not wait until an individual has begun to fully exhibit these behaviors, and above all, please do not—in rage, or lack of patience yell at them, shake them, or simply tell them to “Snap out of it.” And please never be so cruel as to dare them to follow-through on their statements. For if you cannot help that person, except to encourage these negative behaviors, then please, please step aside to allow that individual to get real help, from those who DO care.

In Conclusion

I have—at some length—tried to present to each of you—my very, dearest friends—with a simple, and very generalized “ Wellbeing Assay”, that I hope, in writing down, might hope to better codify your feelings within your current situations.  And while I freely admit that in lacking professional status, it is—at best—a highly subjective, and personalized way of ‘keeping score’, of how you may be, whenever you should happen to take the Quiz, for it can be taken over and over again, at intervals to measure both your progress, and your hopes.

Of course, it is my fondest hope that—as you reckon up each value, and then add the total number of ‘X’s’, and,’O’s’ together, you will, in fact come away with a greater number of ‘X’s’ in hopes to show you that, while some areas in your life may be hardly perfect, yet, you are doing the best you can, which is an admirable task these days, considering your illness(es), your pain, the economy, your health, and your social strengths.

Should your total involve a few more ‘O’s’, than ‘X’s’, then there are a myriad ways (not all included in this assay), where concerned energy, regard, safety and love can result in improvement.

For despite the many, and often seemingly unalterable and overwhelming circumstances in our lives, it has been ever my sincerest desire that you be happy, fulfilled, and…truly blessed.  I wish for you—as always—days of lessened, or of ‘no pain’; quiet, wonderful days surrounded by ones who truly love you; income-sufficient to meet your needs, AND, provide a little extra.  And a natural tiredness at end of day; and nights of restorative, and pain-free sleep, as ever kept safe, and guarded by loving, watchful angels.

Please always know I love you dearly

‘Zahc’/ Charles